Tuesday, 21 May 2013

TNA Analysed 6 - The Story so far part 2


Yeah part 1 of this three part post should be enough to prove the stupidity of TNA with just a single years worth of completely worthless stories that simply fizzled out.  These are alongside such gaffs as Orlando Jordan's bizarre bisexual gimmick which basically made him out to be a total freak because of his sexuality, Bubba the love sponge and his infamous "fuck Haiti" speech, which landed him a well deserved right hook from Awesome Kong, The frankly mental setup of Hogan's hall of fame ring having magic powers and more.

But this post will be dealing with the absolute nausea brought on by 2011's series of stories that literally went nowhere.  Either they failed to end or the writers quietly dropped them hoping we wouldn't notice, but here they are in all their shitty glory.

Winter's Magic Powers

2011 had a the weird honour of sharing one of Hulk Hogan's more bizarre WCW gimmicks, specifically his feud with the returning Ultimate Warrior who only Hogan could see in mirrors, except we could all see him to, so did it mean we were as insane as Hogan? or was everyone else somehow oblivious to a man skrunking in a mirror.

Either way TNA decided to do something similar with Angelina Love and the recently debuted Winter formerly known as Katie Lee Burchill in WWE.  TNA decided to give Winter a sort of vampire lesbian gimmick who had decided that Angelina was the target of her affections.  For weeks Winter would appear in mirrors, rooms and corridors to speak directly to Angelina while everyone else was completely oblivious to Winter's presence.  Again the audience could see her so was she using her powers on us and the camera crew?  It made no sense but TNA obviously took the criticism to heart because Winter slowly lost her magic powers and simply started drugging Angelina.

I get the impression that the writers wanted some kind of hot wrestling lesbian couple in their company to boost ratings, but neither Angelina or Winter were willing to go any further than sitting next to each other so the plot changed to a simple brainwashing plot with Angelina becoming a zombie wrestler for Winter.  The magic powers vanished completely when the drugs came into it and the strange teleporting Winter was doing was never explained or referenced again while she worked for TNA.

I would have had the story go further with Winter hatching a plot to control the knockouts division through her magic.  Keep the lesbian overtones since that gets guys watching but don't show anything like kissing etc. just imply it.  Winter would possibly convert the former beautiful people stable and have a team of vampire-esque female wrestlers trying to take over, with the remaining knockouts trying to resist them.  Hell it would be better than the shit they are running now and actually seems more god damn plausible to some of the shit they run for the knockouts now, see Madison Rayne's crush on Earl Hebner for a good idea of how bereft TNA is of good ideas for this division.

The "Wildcat" Chris Harris

During the torturous reign of immortal and I mean that in the sense that it was fucking horrible to watch, Matt Hardy had joined to bathe in his brothers light a little longer after leaving WWE due to his weight and work ethic.  Hardy was welcomed with open arms and immediately began a Darren Aston style gimmick of lying about literally everything he was doing in TNA through his twitter and facebook pages.  According to him everything he did was the best in the company and he was only second to his brother Jeff in terms of star power.

This was all bullshit of course but TNA weren't going to drop the lesser Hardy from their roster unless things got really bad so for the time being he was tolerated.  Matt would work the tag division for Immortal during his time and take on the likes of Mr.Anderson, RVD and Beer money during his time there.  He adopted the nickname "cold blooded" for reasons only known to him as it meant nothing in relation to his character.  What does this have to do with Chris Harris?  Well when Jeff wasn't able to team with Matt due to court issues at the time he needed a replacement so TNA went through their back catalogue of talent and ripped out the page pertaining to Chris.

Now Harris had recently been in WWE under the ring name of Braden Walker which lasted a very, very short time before he was dropped from the company thus leaving him on the indie circuit.  In better days Harris had been part of a team with James Storm called America's most wanted which was extremely popular.  His leaving meant Storm teamed with Roode and Beer money was born, so Harris' return was supposed to be a shock for fans.

Sadly the reality was a rather overweight, uninterested looking Harris who honestly looked like he couldn't give a shit about being there.  His impact (pardon the pun) was zero and the match he had against beer money with Hardy was atrociously bad, in fact he was never seen again afterwards and Matt Hardy was fired shortly after for unrelated reasons.  Harris was basically excised from record and it was like the match never happened, I mean the guy never even spoke when he returned.  He just stood there and later wrestled badly.

His return could have hailed a return of America's most wanted or even form a new three man beer money, but as usual TNA handle talent poorly.  Harris should never have been used in his condition and his match only proved this further.  He clearly needed to work out, get in shape and shake off the ring rust.

I would have run the match as well as possible but had it that Harris would turn on Hardy at the critical moment giving beer money the win they needed and then share a beer with them.  Instant fan approval there and he gets over with the crowd.  Immortal could then put a price on beer money's head and run a plot involving Matt bringing more and more partners in to fight them.  For a more comical turn, Hardy could call in washouts from TNA history such as the Johnsons, Orlando Jordan, The Nasty Boys and more, each week losing to Beer Money and becoming increasingly furious with each defeat.

Abyss and Sun Tzu

Unsurprisingly Immortal was a great time for TNA critics as the company was being run like a fifth rate WCW with less talent and a lower budget.  The result of this was a parade of terrible gimmicks, bad storylines and shit match endings that only bookers like Eric Bishcoff and Hulk Hogan could cook up.

One of these ideas was putting Abyss into the X division.  Eric Bischoff makes no attempt to hide his dislike of small guys in professional wrestling and the X division was like a big middle to him in his eyes, so he worked to systematically ruin this division, which he has largely succeeded in doing.  The kayfabe story was putting Immortals biggest hitter Abyss into the division to run rough shot over all the smaller wrestlers and hold the belt indefinitely.

Not a bad idea for a heel group and really if it wasn't for Bischoff and others hating the small wrestlers it would be fine, but things got weird fast and i'm not sure if Bischoff is to blame for this particular caveat.  When Abyss would run promo's or win a fight he would quote the art of war by Sun Tzu for no fucking reason.  Some of it was out of context and a lot of it made no connection what was happening in the show at the time, it was just some bizarre gimmick he started running while he was champ.

After feuding and subsequently losing the title to Brian Kendrick, Abyss was punished by Bischoff by being taken out of the X division and his Sun Tzu gimmick simply vanished.  There was no explanation as to why a dangerous psychopath who hit people with 2X4's with nails in it called 'Janice' was quoting a book written more than 2000 years ago.

My version would have had Abyss go full Chinese warlord on their ass, wearing over stylised armour complete with swords and banners, flanked by numerous followers who would worship him as some sort of wrestling warrior deity.  He would still wear the mask of course, but he would constantly quote the book even during matches and become even more deranged, until being ultimately defeated and kicked out of Immortal.

Kurt Angle's "business associate"

TNA used to love running the Kurt Angle and Jeff Jarrett feud over and over again without end.  During the height of their feud in 2011 Kurt challenged Jeff to a mixed tag match, the Jarrett's versus Angle and his mystery partner.  Speculation ran for about two minutes after broadcast when everyone found out it was Chyna.

Anyone who knows about Chyna's post WWE career know it's not a pretty picture and that's outside of her pornography.  Chyna appeared twice for the program and like Chris Harris never spoke a single word of dialogue during her time there.  She smiled a little and wore some pretty terrible attire to fit in with Angle but that was it.  Even in the mixed tag match she barely wrestled, doing about 3 moves before making Karen Jarrett to tap out and pick up the win.

She apparently took part in a battle royal in which she eliminated Jeff Jarrett but that was never broadcast and then she was gone.  Even Chyna preferred a career in porn over wrestling for TNA.  Again this story is never mentioned again and was another massive waste of time for very little payoff when you consider how long Chyna had been out of the wrestling business anyway.

I would've had probably not used Chyna at all really instead bringing in either a previous TNA knockout that fans would resonate with more or a new knockout that could you know wrestle.  Other than that it wouldn't have mattered anyway since the feud pretty much ended there not long afterwards.

So that was all for 2011, next week will be part 3 covering 2012 before going onto another topic.  Thanks for reading and see you around.


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