Monday, 8 April 2013

TNA Review 7th April 2013


Back again in Arkansas for another episode of Impact wrestling and what a dog turd of a show do we have today.  And like any wrestling show we start off with talking, yes that all important dialogue that wrestling fans obviously crave.

D'lo is angry and demands cake!
The Aces kick the show off tonight with a few issues they would like to get answers about.  Firstly Anderson must have been given the task of recruiting AJ styles because he offers AJ a spot on the Aces drinking table.  Not quite sure if Anderson is the best guy to run your recruitment effort since he likes to fly off the handle at the drop of a hat.  Devon promises that tonight Bully Ray has a special surprise for Brooke, all the while holding the ominous brown envelope.  Finally we have D'lo who is a little pissed.  Apparently he has been fired by TNA management, probably because he hasn't been doing his job since joining a violent biker gang and fucking prostitutes regularly.  He seems confused as to why he has been fired and demands someone from management come out and fire him face to face.

Kurt Angle marches out instead and offers to tell D'lo to his face.  D'lo doesn't seem to realise Angle is going to bitch slap him and invites him into the ring.  Angle attacks D'lo and gets jumped by the rest of the Aces, this in turn causes the rest of team TNA to rush out and a small brawl ensues.  The Aces retreat and we are suddenly told we are having a 10 man tag match as the main event tonight.  Again this match must have been scheduled before the Aces made their way out to the ring, so I assume they knew team TNA would attack them.

Backstage Joey Ryan convinces Brooke to allow him be the new referee for the knockouts match tonight.  I assume Brooke has no idea that he is a sleazy pervert in kayfabe terms?  Because Joey is the last guy you would pick to ref a match for the female division.

Knockouts Tag Match - Gail Kim & Tara VS Velvet Sky & Taryn

A wind up nut shot is the most action Joey is getting tonight
So this match isn't really a match again as it mostly involves Joey feeling up the knockouts whenever he gets a chance or just checking them out when the opportunity presents itself.  Joey even checks out Tara which doesn't impress Jessie.  Basically the match ends when Gail flirts with joey so he will give a quick three count.  He does and she leaves him behind.  Joey then tries his luck at a threesome with Velvet and Taryn which results in him getting a punch to the nuts.  Seriously ladies please do not go for the bag of holding in real life it can kill a dude.

After a break we are suddenly in the middle of a tag team title match contract signing segment.  Aries and Roo talk the usual smack about being better than everyone else.  Chavo comes back with the witty "I am a Guerrero" line which I am sure is the only thing that gets him a job in wrestling anymore, while Hernandez stays silent the entire segment.  Although that is probably for the best, anyway neither team seem happy with the standard match stipulations so they agree to add a few more.  The winners will receive a fruit basket, green M&M's and the match is now a 2 out 3 falls match.  The final rule is that if Aries and Roo win, Mexican America can never wrestle together again.

This segment was weird really because the wrestlers didn't fight, they talked amongst themselves and never really involved the fans in any way shape or form.  They even added another stipulation that was never revealed.  Also I am assuming that the M&M and fruit basket thing was meant to be funny, but it was just flat and completely uninteresting.  Hopefully their match will be better but I doubt it since we have already seen this match 3 times before, unless they fight using jetpacks and super powers it isn't going to be that much different is it?

Gut Check Match - Adam Pearce VS Magno
Fear Magno for he is......generic looking?

It's the battle of the generics!!  Default create a wrestler against default create a wrestler with mask 02.  The match isn't that great either, not like that's shocking or anything.  Magno botches two moves pretty badly and Adam Pearce wins by using the ropes to pin.  If I had to pick one of these guys I would go with Adam since he at least looked comfortable in the ring where as Magno seemed a little rushed throughout.

After this we get 8 MINUTES OF PRETAPED INTERVIEWS!!!!! Yes 8 fucking minutes of your time wasted by footage taken more than a week ago involving Taryn talking crap about her new job as a knockout wrestler and Bully Ray spoiling the ending to the show.  Seriously he does.  At the end of the night he hands Brooke the envelope which has a front row ticket for the main event in Corpus Christi.  He tells us this during the interview so TNA can't even keep continuity in check for a 2 hour show.  He says something to the effect of "I am going to let Brooke watch from the front row as I break Jeff Hardy physically and mentally" something to that degree anyway, but it spoils the front row reveal anyway because why would he say it otherwise?

Backstage Anderson tries to recruit AJ in person, handing him a cut to become a prospect member of the Aces.  AJ takes the cut but doesn't say anything before walking off.  Shortly after this Hogan turns up and demands AJ come to the ring.  He notices AJ holding the Aces jacket and wants him to think carefully about his choice.  Hogan appeals to the whole TNA family thing and how AJ has been there since day 1 etc.  Hogan also begs him to join team TNA instead because they need the angry AJ to stand a chance against the Aces apparently, basically shitting all over Kurt Angle and his team.  But before AJ can give a response he is interrupted by James Storm once again.  You sucker punch a guy once and he never lets that shit go.  Storm basically acts a total ass and ruins any chance of AJ joining by threatening AJ again, while also trying to appeal to his sense of pride in TNA.  If I was Hogan (thank fuck I am not) I would be incredibly pissed with Storm just wandering into my conversation without asking.  Suffice to say AJ leaves again without saying anything so it's another pointless waste of our time. 

X-Division Qualifier Match - Sonjay Dutt VS Mason Andrews VS Petey Williams

Don't fuck with Petey williams in case he reveals whats under his flap
I must admit I have never seen Pete Williams before but he is a pretty good wrestler.  Not to say Dutt is bad he is perennially screwed in this company when he deserves better frankly.  Mason Andrews on the other hand is a cardboard cutout but at least he runs a decent match, in fact this match is the best of the night hands down.  Petey wins with his pretty awesome looking Canadian destroyer flip piledriver thingy.

10 Man Tag Team Match - Team TNA VS Aces and Eights

This on the other hand was a sub par match that never really got going and mostly involved the babyfaces kicking the crap out of the aces the entire time until chaos erupts and the ref loses control before the aces cheat and pick up the victory.  I mean it at least stayed within the heel style build for the pay per view match, but they could have at least made the match interesting instead of a move demonstration class for beginners.

The finale is like I said, Bully reveals the envelop contains a front row seat for Brooke so she can witness Bully break Jeff Hardy in his TLC match.  And I also have to point out here that Hardy is wrong when he says that a TLC match is his comfort zone, since you know Bully has been doing those kinds of matches day 1 of his career basically.  It's not like the Dudleys were known for their ring skills, no it was because they liked putting bitches through tables.  Anyway Brooke gets angry and slaps Bully, he gets pissed with her and then Hardy attacks him.  They brawl for a bit and the show ends.


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