Monday, 1 April 2013

TNA Review 31st March 2013

Mere hours away from April fools day TNA is dead serious with what it considers good television as we continue the conflict between the Aces and eights and Hogan.  Tonight we are in Arkansas, a slightly smaller venue compared to Chicago, but hell at least they managed to get a crowd again even if it is smaller than the Chicago arena they were in last week.  No doubt next weeks episode will be in the same place again.  Apparently it costs TNA roughly $600,000 to do a show on the road like this.  Just imagine how much money WWE must spend when they go to some of these large arenas.  Can TNA really afford to do this?  I mean saving money on the monthly pay per view budget is one thing, but then spending that on doing several shows on the road.  Isn't that still spending the same amount?

"You have a vagina!"
Hardy opens the show which is another Open fight night.  Hardy does a little speech before going onto who he is going to challenge tonight.  He doesn't get a chance though because Bully Ray interrupts him and proceeds to get cheap heat from the crowd.  The other Aces follow Bully to the ringside area as Bully continues to taunt Hardy.  Eventually Anderson chimes in and shoots on Hardy and his many second chances in the company.  Anderson jokes that the only reason Hardy gets to be #1 contender is because he sells the most merchandise.  This is true because Hardy would be out of the company otherwise.  Anyway this annoys Hardy so much that he attacks the Aces which results in him being dog piled and beaten for a short time until the other babyfaces rush out and run off the Aces.  I love how the good guys who got their asses handed to them a couple of weeks back are now something the Aces run from.  Hardy challenges Anderson tonight, which conveniently becomes the main event. 

Wait isn't this Open fight night?  You know the show where you challenge someone and they have to fight you there and then?  Why is match now the main event?  Who scheduled that so quickly?  Does Hogan know about this?  Was Hardy always going to have the main event spot?  Why didn't he challenge at the end of the night instead, it's not like this segment would have been any different if they did it in the first half hour, or the last half hour is it?

Anyway backstage Chavo seems confused as to how they lost their match last week against Aries and Roo.  Well i don't know Chavo did you not watch the match to see what happened?  Why does TNA have the wrestlers pretend that they aren't in a wrestling show?  There are cameras everywhere and sometimes the wrestlers speak directly to the camera so why doesn't Chavo know what happened?  Apparently they are going to challenge someone tonight, gee I wonder who that will be?  They only have 3 tag teams, Hernandez and Chavo included so yeah......

Tag Team #1 Contenders Match - Chavo & Hernandez VS Bad Influence

Hernandez goes for Kazarians weak point
Yeah so Mexican America lite challenges Kaz and Daniels to a #1 contenders match, even though they have no idea what happened to them last week, they know to challenge the two guys who ruined their match, strange that isn't it.  Anyway the match is OK I guess.  Daniels takes a bad sounding bump to the back of head early on when he gets throw over the top rope and bangs his head on the steps.  Fortunately he seems fine for the rest of them match.  The match though is very similar to their previous bouts so it isn't that interesting overall.  Chavo and Hernandez win, which totally undermines the whole point in bad influence interfering last week and attacking the tag team champs. 

TNA are now showing 'insta-facts' similar to RAW.  How original of them to copy more of WWE's ideas.  You know the day TNA have an original idea will be the day they start outperforming WWE. Watching TNA at the moment is like watching all the failed tryouts from WWE going off and making their own wrestling show and doing it terribly.

I guess this should have been the time for a knockouts match, but instead it boils down to nothing.  Taryn makes her sort of wrestling debut in the least clothing possible before calling out Gail Kim.  Gail takes her time to even get to the ramp before grabbing a mic and calling for support from Tara.  They both beat Taryn down before Velvet makes the save.  Now this would have been a great time for a knockouts tag match, but instead the heels walk off and we get no match. 

The knockouts doing the only thing they are good isn't wrestling
After this we are whiplashed into a backstage interview with taryn and Velvet, even though they were just in the ring.  Taryn spots Gail and Tara walking down a corridor and attacks Gail.  Tara does little to help, in fact she mostly acts scared and backs off, even though she was supportive of Gail a few seconds ago.  I think this segment was filmed prior to the "match" and Tara hadn't been told to get involved so she was staying out of the fight, while the later segment was her attacking Taryn.  It just further proves that the show isn't live.

Borash introduces us to two of the most generic create a wrestler characters I have ever seen, as we are shown generic bald guy who I think was named Adam.  The other was Generic masked mexican wrestler guy whose name I totally forget.  Honestly you could make these guys in 2 minutes on WWE '13 they are that uninteresting.  Apparently they will be wrestling for contract next week, since gut check has moved from open fight night, to Impact now for some unknown reason.

Sting who now seems to be acting like a creepy stalker once again tries to speak with Hogan only to find that Hogan now has private security outside his door.  This does not please the Crow The Joker Sting and he heads ringside to call out Hogan.  At the same time apparently Hogan is talking to Hardy in his office and plugs the shit out of the Corpus Christi show.  Seriously he mentions the place like 20 times before he bothers to find out what Sting is doing.

Dwarven rage!!!
Sting awaits Hogans arrival as he hobbles his way ringside.  Sting wants to apologise but also wants Hogan to accept responsibility for letting Bully Ray get so close in the first place.  To be fair though it was Sting who kept pestering him to give Bully a chance.  Hogan blames Sting in return and demands Sting leave the ring.  Sting tells Hogan to make him leave, which gives us glimpses into what could potentially be the worst match in wrestling history, Sting VS Hogan 2.  Hogan can barely walk yet we are supposed to believe that he can take on anyone in the locker room?  One punch and the fucker would stay down he is too old to be pretending he is still 1980's Hogan.

James Storm calls out AJ this time.  AJ appears in the stands for some reason, guess he had a ticket or something.  Storm wants to either fight it out with AJ or have a beer and talk it out.  AJ seems uninterested in both and leaves as the Aces attack Storm.  They have the advantage until Eric Young and Kurt Angle run down to even things up.  The Aces go to leave, but Angle challenges them to a six man match which they accept.

Six Man Tag Match - Kurt Angle, Eric Young & James Storm VS Baby Bischoff, Wes Brisco & DOC

The match is decent but can never be good when you have talentless asshats Bischoff in the ring.  The fucker cannot wrestle and doesn't deserve to be there.  Brisco isn't much better and seems to be trying to channel Brian pillman with his crazy faces.  DOC is the best of the three Aces members in this match.  As usual the babyfaces lose due to outside interference from D'lo.

Backstage Bully, Devon and Anderson drink beers around their pasting table.  Anderson goes mental to prepare for his match with the charismatic enabler.  Sometimes it's hard to tell with Anderson if he is actually angry or just messing around.

Singles Match - Jeff Hardy VS Mr.Anderson

Anderson looks for the one crowd member who still likes him
The match is like the other 2 matches tonight, yeah 2, pretty middle of the road.  Anderson tries to hit Hardy with a hammer.  Hardy gets the hammer instead and hits Anderson with it.  He then hits Anderson with a chair, puts him through a table by jumping off a ladder and then tells Bully that their match will be a "full metal mayhem" match, which is TNA's version of a TLC match.  Technically Anderson wins this, although it probably didn't feel like that.

Yeah so 3 matches in a 2 hour show.  TNA are getting back into their more talking, less wrestling groove again.  Pretty soon we will see the entire first hour feature no wrestling and just have a single match at the end of the night.  This would work for management since they have to pay talent per match so a single match a night would save them plenty of cash. 


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