Monday, 11 March 2013

TNA Review 10th March 2013

Fresh from his ass kicking last week, Kurt Angle opens the show backstage carrying around the mask he tore off the Aces and eights VP.  He tells the backstage creep that he intends to reveal to the world tonight who is behind the mask, but before that shit here's Austin Aries.

Yeah they cut to Aries entering the ring because what he has to say is clearly more important than the main plot of the show at the moment.  Who decided this was a good opener?  Anyway Aries basically comes out to bitch about how Jeff Hardy and Bully Ray disrespected him by not saying thanks for his support last week.  Now true this was a dickish thing for them to do, so I guess Aries has a genuine reason to be pissed, but does this have to take precedence over the biggest development in the Aces and eights story?

Matt Morgan - Mountain Man
Anyway to prove that he is still a front runner for the world heavyweight title Aries challenges Jeff Hardy to a match, since wrestlers now pick and choose who they fight and when it happens.  Why have a GM if all they are going to do is write it so the wrestlers pick their opponents?  Obviously Hardy answers the call to battle and spends nine hours saying hello to his sycophant fans before Aries gets bored and attacks him anyway.

Singles Match - Austin Aries VS Jeff Hardy

At least the match isn't short nor is it really that bad.  Obviously Aries gets his ass handed to him until the last minute where TNA remembers they are running a story with Matt Morgan being angry or something like that, so he attacks Hardy and tries to give him a concussion by kicking his head against the ring post.  I thought TNA were moving away from concussion moves both in real life and kayfabe?  Anyway Bully makes the save, because he is Hardy's new bff and Morgan backs off.  Aries is understandably pissed that he didn't get a proper win and the match ends with Bully rays music being played despite not being in the match and Hardy being the winner via DQ.

In Sting/Hogans office we see Sting is ranting and raving about each of his team members strengths, such as Storm having the powers of a cowboy and Joe being big and Magnus being hungry.  Eric Young is apparently the outsider here, the wildcard and someone Sting has faith in basically.  No one else speaks during this segment and Sting just shouts more until he decides to go out for a fight.  Not sure why they had this segment to be honest.

No wrestling career for you Wes
Wes Brisco decides to continue sucking some more by running the worst promo I have ever heard in my entire fucking life.  I mean it's so bad it would have given Calculon cancer.  He just seems completely unsure about what he is doing and where he should look and even the lines he is spouting come out like he is having trouble remembering them.  He even has an amusing botch where he says his father and uncle are one of the best wrestlers of all time.  So his father and uncle are the same guy?  Either way it doesn't get a great response from the crowd as you can imagine.  To break the awkward silence Kurt Angle makes his appearance to kick the shit out of Wes (possibly for the shitty promo) until TNA management break them up.

By the way TNA management consists of Al Snow, D'lo brown and the old guy from OVW I think.  No security since TNA are obviously too cheap to have some of the road crew wear 'security' shirts and break up a fight, no we need the scriptwriters and road managers to rush out and save the day.  During the scuffle Angle tries to tell Snow and the other guy that D'lo is the VP of the Aces and gets kicked in the balls for this by D'lo.  D'lo and Wes then leave the ring and then run a promo backstage about how great the Aces are.

So how many people are going to join the Aces now?  Is this going to be like NWO where everyone outside of Hogan and Bischoffs circle of friends gets screwed while the NWO basically have all the storylines?  It just seems like the show will eventually be Sting and Bully Ray against everyone else when they all reveal they have been secret members from the beginning.

Singles Match - Sting VS Devon

Sting either bleeds paint or his hair dye went a bit odd here
This match is the first of three to determine the man advantage in the lethal lockdown match.  Not a bad idea but the heels always win these matches because otherwise there is no tension to the match if the babyfaces have the extra man from the bell ringing.  Anyway the match is middling to passable until a fan throw water in Stings face and Devon then picks up the win.  The most interesting part here is the fact that fans attack the obvious plant in the crowd because they are fucking morons and Sting for some reason decides to blade for no real payoff.  He spends the rest of the night bleeding a lot backstage.

Gail Kim continues her pointless storyline where she won't win the belt at the pay per view and start a feud with Taryn.  Velvet slaps her in the face for being a whiny bitch.

There was a gut check segment but I kind of passed out from the boredom of it.  I think the small woman was cut loose while the giant woman got through to the next round.  To be honest why do they still have the judging section when there is only one person left to choose from?  Surely if they decided that one of the TWO people competing for the contract isn't good enough, then they deserve the contract?  Otherwise what is the point? ....Oh yeah it's to fill time on a 2 hour show.

Six Person Tag Match - Chavo Guerrero & Hernandez & Velvet Sky VS Kazarian & Christopher Daniels & Gail Kim

She looks impressive, but she can't talk for shit
The jobber team again do a decent job of building heat and getting the crowd to chant for the faces.  Most of the fans cheer for Velvet more than Chavo and Hern.  The match is pretty bland really and in typical TNA fashion it soon becomes chaos as the referee apparently has no control over the wrestlers as they just brawl until the finish.  Gail Kim gets the win after Hernandez and Chavo both throw themselves outside the ring to attack Kaz and Daniels.

We are shown footage of a TNA camera crew rolling up on AJ who is talking to a member of the Aces and eights, I mean this is really obvious yet no one on commentary mention this fact.  AJ attacks the camera guys and shoves them back in their van before the clip ends.  Again the outcome of this side story will probably be wank anyway so it's not that important.

Tag Team Match - Baby Bischoff & D.O.C. VS Magnus & Samoa Joe

They set this up as if Joe and Magnus would be at each others throats, but after a single shouting contest between them both, they work like a team and never butt heads again during the match.  Baby Bischoff gets a "you can't wrestle" chant which is fucking brilliant because it's true, he cannot wrestle to save his life.  The match is basically a squash as both D.O.C. and Bischoff get their asses kicked and Magnus picks up the win to make it 1 all in the best of three contest.

Backstage Sting is having difficulty deciding who should be in the final match tonight for the best of three contest.  Eric Young runs a great promo for why he should be the man to take the fight to the Aces.  He really does a great job of putting over his character as angry and self aware of his clownish antics, but also that he is now focused on this match that is coming up.  But no, Sting picks James Storm who must have a fucking throat infection because he says nothing and gets the shot at the match?  What the fuck is going on?

There is a really awkward gut check segment where the tall woman runs a bad promo.  She obviously needs some help running unscripted segments because she fluffs this completely.  Either way she gets a yes from the judges all while the crowd chant quite loudly "NO".  Sounds like CZW.

Singles Match - Mr.Anderson VS James Storm

Hogan looks like someones dad pretending to be a wrestler......
Match doesn't run for very long before the aces rush out to distract Storm.  The other members of team Sting rush out to counter their rushing out and while all this is going on Anderson gets the mic check and wins.  This gives the aces the man advantage in the lethal lockdown match.

The show ends with another insipid cock sucking event with Bully ray and Jeff Hardy talking about how great the other man is as a wrestler and a person.  I think I saw some people throwing up in the upper rows of the crowd.  Anyway Hulk Hogan hobbles his ass out and spouts the line "Bully is like family to me" which is stupid because Bully is family to you Hulk, he married your daughter thus making him a son in law.  The show ends with the aces attacking the ring and then team sting attacking the aces.  Show ends with a brawl that would have been fun to watch, but that would be giving the TV fans something they enjoy, so fuck em.


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