Monday, 4 March 2013

TNA Review 3rd March 2013

Impact returns to the comfort of it's theme park home tonight as the roster get used to small crowds for another year.  The show starts with a camera team harassing Bully and Brooke about Hogans condition.  We already got an update on the VT sequence prior to the show starting, and Bully doesn't tell us anything anyway so the segment was pointless.

As the show officially starts we have Bully Ray coming down to talk, because you know every wrestling show today has to open with more dialogue than your average episode of Eastenders.  Bully basically rambles on about his upcoming match with Jeff at Lockdown and how he plans to become the champ, the usual bullshit.  Eventually Hardy appears fresh from his "injury" and the two wrestlers suck each other off figuratively by listing how great they both are.  Apparently Hardy isn't that bothered that the Aces tried to cripple him 4 weeks ago.  Anyway this bout of man love is broken up by the arrival of Kaz and Daniels who have become TNA's go to jobbers for this quarter of the year.  They piss off Bully and Hardy enough to provoke a fight which then sets the stage for tonight's main event, a tag match.  This is pretty standard stuff really, since WWE and TNA love to put the champ and #1 contender in a team, but usually the team don't play nice because one is usually a heel.  When both guys are super over faces there isn't much tension and you know they are going to crush the heels.  Think Rock & Cena VS Miz & R-Truth.
On the left are deserving wrestlers, the right are WWE castoffs

Backstage Magnus talks to Sting about joining his team for the lethal lockdown match at the pay per view.  Sting doesn't really say anything and just lets Magnus talk at him until he leaves.  To be honest if someone just sat there and didn't respond to my request or anything I was saying, I would just tell him "you know what, forget it since you clearly aren't interested" but Magnus needs work so it's worth a shot I guess.

Knockouts Title Match - Tara VS Velvet Sky

Well I guess Jessie is pretty much fucked now since Tara's title run is over.  Velvet has been given the belt finally after spending most of January and February not doing anything at all.  The match runs pretty similarly to the fatal four way match in the UK, just swap out Gail Kim for Tara and you're set really.  Velvet wins despite Jessie doing the now tired and repetitive 'grab leg when ref not looking' trick and that's it really.  The only marginally interesting part of this match was Gail on commentary who spent the entire match bitching at Taryn.  Since it's pretty much a fact now that Taryn will wrestle, expect to see Gail jump her in the next week or so to start a feud.  I mean the Wrestling referee story?  Seriously TNA?  You already did that twice before, once with Nigel McGuinness and the other with Baby Bischoff, this isn't going to the impress anyone.
Velvet hits the "Cunnilingus drop"

Backstage Aries pretends to talk to Bobby Roo on his mobile about a triple threat tag match that is coming up soon.  I wonder who came up with the idea of having the characters talk to themselves to deliver exposition?  John Laurinaitis did it all the time and the crowd fucking hated it, so why TNA keep doing it is a mystery to me.  Anyway Chavo and Hernandez interrupt him and challenge him to a match which Aries accepts, believing he will face Chavo, but instead is against Hernandez.

Kenny King once again challenges RVD to a X-Division title match.  After 3 or 4 straight losses any hype or momentum he had has long since gone.  Fans don't really give a shit since he was babyface for about 2 weeks before he suddenly went heel, and this heel run isn't really going anywhere.  Rob accepts this challenge which is interesting since I imagine a general manager or other authority figure in the company would be the one to sign off on any major title matches surely?  Apparently Rob can pick and choose when he defends the title I guess.

Singles Match - Austin Aries VS Hernandez
Hern is easily distracted during matches

Does anyone actually give a shit about this rivalry?  Chavo and Hernandez are as entertaining as watching moss gross on a rock, and Aries and Roo are a poor ripoff of team hell no.  Things aren't helped by the fact that Hernandez cannot fucking wrestle to save his life, and Aries carries his roided ass the entire match.  The only silver lining is that Aries wins by belt shot when the ref wasn't looking and the match ends relatively quickly.

Sting attempts to recruit Matt Morgan for his team which results in a no, but Morgan fails to run even this small segment without botching it by saying "Bet you Hogan put you up to this, well he should have thought about what he did to me before hand shouldn't he have had"

Shouldn't he have had?  And this is during a backstage segment which they could have re-done since it's all pre-taped, but TNA are so fucking lazy they just kept the botch in to make Morgan look like a total tool.  Actors flub lines all the time and here it's nothing different, so why the crew couldn't have just shot this again is another one of TNA's many bizarre practices.

X-Division Title Match - Kenny King VS RVD
450 degree face splash coming up

This is the best match of the night so far which isn't saying much considering Rob is gassed almost 2 minutes into the match.  King is the highlight here since he can actually run a match and not fall back onto the same 5 or 6 moves.  But this match is actually kind of different for a couple of reasons.  The first is that Kenny King finally wins to become the new X-division champion, something he should have become in 2012.  The second is that RVD appears to knock himself out with a 450 degree splash, a move he should leave to Justin Gabriel.  Rob fails to kick out of a pin after this miss and then stumbles around the ring and sandbags King as he tries to hit rob with another slam.  It may or may not have been a work, but either way it was an interesting finish.

After some adverts and other minor crap the Aces invade the ring and talk about their upcoming team match against Stings team at Lockdown.  Sting eventually hits the ramp and reveals his super team which consists of Samoa Joe, Magnus, James Storm and the returning Eric Young.  A brawl ensues which See's Eric Young apparently kicking ass despite spending most of 2011 and 2012 either jobbing or playing the comedy face character.  Now were supposed to take him seriously?  Also the team here really highlights how little TNA care about guys like James Storm who is so over in TNA it's shocking.  Joe has been relegated to the good guy henchmen role for the last 6 months and Magnus is being given a minor push, but expect that to fizzle out quickly after the pay per view.  None of these guys deserve to be running as Stings and Hogans wingmen, they should be the ones taking the fight to the aces and getting over, and being handed title shots because they are good at what they do, unlike Sting who is a fucking hack now.

Gut Check Match - Small Puerto Rican woman VS Large woman

Yeah I couldn't give a flying fuck who these two were and who won really.  They both had these X factor style crying segments so we could empathise with them, but since wrestling is fake and people play characters the real emotional side of it means nothing, and the fans don't vote anyway because the judging is scripted to.  If you honestly think that Gut check is legit then you are misguided.  No wrestling company is ever going to allow two hopefuls wrestle on primetime television as a tryout and then perform their performance review and subsequent hiring on the following weeks show.  Everyone in gut check has been vetted and had a tryout long before the show and they either get hired on a long term contract or signed up for a short term appearance a la the gut check match.  Either way the two wrestlers get to show off their skills on TV for millions, so the one who doesn't "win" gets to basically provide a video demonstration of their skills for other wrestling companies.
It's a common fact that the Welsh hate Styrofoam

TNA then decide to do a little bit of rehashing here as they have AJ styles' wife and best friend talk about how much he has changed since he walked out of TNA.  This is almost word for word the exact same thing as when Bobby Roo went heel and apparently abandoned his family and friends by going corporate.  Same thing here with AJ, except instead of going corporate AJ has grown a stupid beard and rides a motorcycle away from the camera crew.  Expect this crap to go on for weeks now until he finally returns as Super AJ or Evil AJ.

Robbie E has taken to the ring during this segment to apologise to big Rob for what he did the week previous.  Rob accepts this phony apology and begins to "dance" sort of before Robbie E hits him over the head with a Styrofoam picture.  Robbie E seems to think this will definitely knock out the massive Welshmen, but only really succeeds in pissing him off a lot.  Of course Robbie T still fails to actually get his hands on little Rob, so expect this feud to run for the next 3 or 4 weeks with the exact same outcome each time.

Tag Team Match - Christopher Daniels & Kazarian VS Jeff Hardy & Bully Ray

Being related to Hogan gives you access to his limited moveset
This is begrudgingly the best match of the entire show, although again what it had to improve on wasn't exactly brilliant to begin with.  Basically the match runs with Kaz and Daniels jobbing out to the champ and his opponent, while also having to make Hardy and Bully look good the entire time.  Hardy even does his stupid ass poetry in motion crap and botches it the first time.  Hardy picks up the win and Kaz and Daniels collect another paycheck.

The finale is so fucking stupid it's awesome.  Kurt Angle has figured out where the Aces are hiding out.  This isn't some big secret though because anyone could have found it whenever they wanted.  The door has a fucking sign on it and if that wasn't obvious enough, it has a load of motorcycles parked around the corner.  Not counting things like security cameras and just asking people who work in the building if they had seen a bunch of masked bikers gathering anywhere, the Aces hideout couldn't have been easier find without nailing a massive neon sign that read "ACES HOLE"

Anyway Angle busts into the place knocking out Anderson and Devon pretty easily before confronting the masked VP of the group.  They brawl and Angle beats him down to reveal his identity.  Angle See's his face and reacts with the words "how could you?" meaning he knows who it is.  The fucking camera however simply remains locked on Angles face, never once looking down at the now unmasked aces member.  How difficult would it be for them to simply look at the guys face?  Not like it matters much anyway because Angle then gets jumped by the rest of Aces and the show ends with Angle presumably being raped by D.O.C. who shouts "get his ass".  Angle better squeal like a pig.


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