Monday, 25 February 2013

TNA Review 24th February 2013


This episode opens exactly like the last one with Hogan doing his poses and cocky head nodding and almost throwing his back out with every step.  The crowd goes wild as requested to make the show look more impressive and a fresh round numptys fill the arena with terrible Jeff Hardy face paint and cheap TNA merchandise.  Honestly for a few seconds I thought Challenge had broadcast the same episode again from last week it was so similar.

Hogan takes forever to get to the point, I counted around 5 minutes before he finally announces that since last weeks interference that prevented him from announcing the new #1 contender, he will do it now.  Now remember his choices are between Magnus and James Storm.  Not a difficult choice really, since Storm is massively over with the fans and he deserves to be a champion for more than a week.  But of course this is TNA and they love to forget shit that happened last week and so Hogan gives the title shot to Bully Ray.

Now granted Bully could have been given the spot for a future story reason, maybe Hogan will start giving Bully shot after shot after shot and eventually turn heel.  Or maybe they just decided to completely waste everybody's time with the four #1 contenders matches they had last week because they obviously didn't have anything better to do for that week, so they just threw some random matches together.  Bully comes down to the ring and accepts this without question, showing how much of a fair play babyface he isn't and then asks for a match tonight against the Aces and eights.  He picks a 6 man tag match and wants Sting and Hogan as his tag partners.  Don't get your hopes up though because Hogan cannot wrestle to save his life these days....or the last 20 years to be honest.

Heels shocked that other heels do heelish things!
Backstage Daniels and Kaz are teaming up with Aries and Roo to for a 8 man tag match tonight.  Well done TNA, not only have you given no care to your own storylines again this week, but you are giving away pay per view matches on free TV, well done.  Anyway Aries and Roo continue their totally not ripped off from WWE team hell no comedy routine, which isn't anywhere near as funny and doesn't work as well anyway because Bryan and Kane are two characters you don't expect to be tag partners and run the classic odd couple tag partnership.  Aries and Roo are just two heels who do make sense as tag partners and prior to their partnership were very serious characters, where as Bryan and Kane had been running comedy segments for a few weeks before being tagged.

8 Man Tag Match - Kazarian/Chris Daniels/Austin Aries/Bobby Roo VS James Storm/Parks/Chavo/Hernandez

Immediate props to the crowd for booing the shit out of Chavo and Hernandez.  Immediate removal of said props for cheering like marks for Parks.  This match could have been good but it just devolves into a squash to make the faces look great for the crowd.  Parks even gets the pin here after Roo and Aries abandon Kaz and Daniels.  Chavo got jeered the second he was tagged in which was funny since I bet he has an ego about himself being a top guy in the company and his constant references to his Eddie.

Singles Match - Robbie E VS Rockstar Spud

This was the best pic on Impact wrestling....
This match should have happened the week Robbie E threatened Spud, but for some reason we had a week gap for this non match to happen.  It isn't very long and Rockstar Spud doesn't exactly wow us.  The two of them have a pretty by the numbers match that results in Robbie E losing when once again Robbie T causes him to lose.  Post match Robbie E gets pissed off with Big rob and slaps him in the face.  This effectively ends their tag team as Rob Terry then hulks out and stares Robbie E out of the arena.  Seriously he doesn't even hit him or anything.

Knockouts Title Match - Tara VS Gail Kim VS Velvet Sky VS Tessmacher

Yeah the matches come thick and fast here tonight, but they all largely suck.  Anyway this is a 4 way elimination match and the first to be eliminated here is Tara....wait they eliminated the champ first?  I mean it isn't even done with any shock or big spot, she just gets laid out by Velvet and Gail steals the pin.  Tara doesn't even look angry that she just lost the title, if anything she looks bored.  The rest of the match is typical knockouts fair, with botched spots and weak moves everywhere.  Gail eliminates Tessmacher next before getting into a confrontation with Taryn.  This confrontation results in the ref cheating to help Velvet win the title.  Yeah you read it right, she throws Gail to floor when she legitimately holds onto the rope to avoid a sunset flip pin attempt and apparently that's illegal.  Taryn counts five? and then throws Gail to the floor so Velvet wins.  Now I can only sympathise with the heel, well done TNA for fucking that up.  Oh and fuck this company.
Velvet wins due to fluffy boot power

Singles Match - Samoa Joe VS Baby Bischoff

Yeah nepotism continues to strike here as Samoa schools Bischoff in another boring ass throwaway match that ends in a DQ when Brisco attacks Joe.  The only thing of interest here is that Angle saves Joe and then informs Brisco that he will be facing Angle in a cage match at Lockdown.  WOW ANGLE IN A CAGE MATCH! LIKE WE HAVEN'T SEEN THAT NEAR EVERY FUCKING PPV HE IS IN NOWADAYS!  Fuck you Angle.

X-Division Title Match - Kenny king VS RVD

Yeah this match ends with RVD winning.  Kenny King must be wondering what he did wrong in a previous life to continue jobbing to a fucking worn out pot head like Rob.  Just look at my previous RVD match reviews to know what happened in the match, suffice to say it ends with a 5 star frog splash.

Six Man Tag Match - Anderson/Devon/DOC VS Bully Ray/Sting/Hulk Hogan

Hogan never appears because you know he is fucking ancient and if he wrestled he would collapse and probably never get up again.  The match becomes a 3 on 2 handicap but that doesn't make much difference as the Aces get their asses handed to them.  In the end the Aces drag out a beaten Hulk and hostage Brooke to get Bully out of the match, while the rest of the aces beatdown Sting.  The show ends with the Aces celebrating and Hogan lying on his back awaiting medical attention.
Hogan tries to hide the semi he has looking at his own daughter

Well that marked the end of the UK tour and the show will return to the U.S. to a small arena with a bunch of theme park visitors mixed with fans.  Basically back where TNA belongs.

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