Tuesday, 8 January 2013

TNA Review 6th January 2013


So here we are 2013 and TNA is still limping along in the idiotic belief that it's a competitor to the WWE.  I guess things will be a little different this year for once.  TNA are running less pay per views because someone finally told them that running monthly pay per views cost a lot of money.  They didn't exactly make much money on tickets or TV buy rates, not to mention their on off relationship with the company that broadcast their shows in Cinemas.  The biggest failing in TNA history for 2013 has already been announced without Dixie Carter realising when she informed TNA fans that Genesis will be held in the Alamodome in San Antonio.  The 1997 Royal Rumble was a pretty good indicator of how bad a location for a wrestling pay per view this is when WWF struggled to make a profit (if any) during the height of Shawn Michael's babyface championship run.  Bearing in mind this was when WWF ran a show in Michael's own hometown and it barely made a profit.  What fucking chance does TNA have?  Zero is the answer to that.
TNA superstar of 2012 Drug Hardy

Anyway the first impact of 2013 kicks off with a terrible attempt at a slammy award knockoff.  They roll out the 5 most fan voted stars of TNA to be eligible for the "prestigious" superstar of the year award.  Of course you can probably guess the five without me listing them, but here they are anyway:

James Storm - because his 2012 was so awesome wasn't it folks.  He lost a feud with Bobby Rooo and didn't win ANY titles at all.  He doesn't deserve to be on a list for best of the year.

Bobby Rooo - The only guy worth being on the list despite being as interesting as bacterial multiplication in a lab.

Bully Ray - Because they needed to make up the numbers and like Storm hasn't won a single belt in 2012.

Austin Aries - Who was good as a heel and babyface until management decided he should be a poor mans CM Punk.

Jeff Hardy - The obvious winner of this sham award ceremony and is only there because he shifts merchandise.  If he didn't TNA would have dropped his ass after the infamous main event at victory road 2011.

Obviously this entire fan voting thing is fixed like WWE and it's fan votes.  Hardy wins the award and collects his cheap plastic prize trophy from Borash.  Aries and Rooo disagree with this decision and act like a bad a comedy duo in a cheap movie, bickering between each other.  Hardy has enough of them arguing and challenges them to a triple threat match for the title at Genesis.  They jump him and give him a beatdown until he powers up and clears the ring.  I still don't see why people like Jeff Hardy in 2013 when he was way better in 1999.

Backstage James Storm gets the piss taken out of him by Kaz and Daniels, and I have to admit this was actually funny.  Daniels does a good impression of Storm and I hope they keep trying to run these two like this since they are actually entertaining.  Storm challenges one of them to a match next.

Singles Match - James Storm VS Kazarian
Kaz has one of those "Oh Shi-" moments on his face

I guess Storm and Kazarian are in a feud now because this is the third match they have had now.  Also why is Christy Hemme wearing huge shades tonight?  The match is OK but relatively quick with Storm winning without too much effort.  The highlight of the match for me was seeing SoCal Val trying to get the crowd to cheer and clap for Storm.  That seems to be her job in TNA, well that and taking coats and other accessories from wrestlers prior to matches.

Back in the aces hole (that's what I thought would sound better than clubhouse) Anderson continues to take advantage of the Aces hospitality.  Devon presses him for an answer about joining, only getting a vague answer from Anderson.  DOC has enough of Anderson's indecisiveness but again Anderson acts like he hasn't quite made his mind up.  How can anyone not see that Anderson is working with Sting to spy on the aces?  It is painfully obvious that this is where they are going with this mini-plot.

Kenny King reminds us how long Kid Kash has been in the business by mentioning how he enjoyed watching Kash on VHS.  King's heel turn is impressing no one since he was only a babyface for a month so the fans didn't get a chance to get behind him.

The next in ring segment was fucking awful in every sense.  DOC comes out to challenge Sting to fight.  He does this terrible "Sting come out come out wherever you are" line which just smacks of a warriors rip-off.  He does this for a couple of long agonising minutes until even he tires of it and just freaks out, demanding Sting show himself now.  To top this "awesome" segment off a baseball bat drops from the rafters and DOC shits himself.  Yeah you read that right, the evil biker gang who put Sting out for weeks are now terrified of the 50+ year old wrestler who dresses like the Crow, despite beating his ass several times prior to his brief hiatus.  Fucking writing for this show is terrible.

Singles Match - Kid Kash VS Christian York

Kash uses the teabagger drop
Now you may have noticed that I am quite high on Christian York at the moment and I still am, but this match wasn't great.  His pace was off and several spots just didn't work or looked really staged.  The match wasn't terrible it just had a lot of botched spots.  The only silver lining here was that York ended his losing streak by beating the only guy who has a worse losing than him in Kid Kash.

Singles Match - Joey Ryan VS Hernandez

This wasn't really a match since it was originally Matt Morgan who was going up against Hernandez.  Morgan uses the old "injured arm" trick to get Hernandez to believe him.  Hernandez is as thick as fuck so it isn't surprising that this ruse works.  Hernandez kicks the crap out of Joey Ryan for a minute or so before Morgan cleans house.  At least this built the feud, unlike most TNA plotlines that involve weeks of neither party doing anything thus making the feud boring and totally uninteresting.  For example look at AJ Styles VS Christopher Daniels, a feud that is STILL going after more than a year.

After a break we get a Hogan segment which is like being given a wet turd for your birthday.  He bitches about Bully Ray and Brooke being in a relationship.  He calls out both of them to bitch at them in person.  They come out and just stand there while Hogan whines to them about "breaking the code" and how Bully shouldn't even be a wrestler anymore.  Excuse me for a second, but what is this code exactly? and why is it only being mentioned now?  I love how Hogan brings out shit like this for his storylines and never mentions it again.  I would love to hear CM Punk talk about this so called code, because I bet it doesn't exist.  Either way he suspends Bully indefinitely and then kicks Brooke out.  The segment ends with the fans cheering Hogan despite his heel actions, fucking moron TNA fans.

Knockouts Tag Team Match - Tara & Gail Kim VS Tess & Mickie James

Another regular TNA writers meeting in progress
This match started out botchy and awkward, but did improve as it went on.  The babyfaces win and time is filled for people take a piss break and make a cup of tea.

Aries and Rooo complain to Hogan about the triple threat match, claiming that it has never been done before.  Hogan isn't in the mood for their bullshit and lies and decides to put them in a tag match next week against Hardy and partner of his choosing.

Steel Cage Match - Devon & Mike Knox VS Samoa Joe & Kurt Angle

Typical TNA giving away pay per view matches on free television again.  Angle is jumped before he gets to the cage, leaving Joe to run most of the match.  After a while Angle manages to get in and even things up until DOC gets in there and the match breaks down.  This isn't surprising since Angle is wrestling injured and needs time off.  He still blades for no reason and half kills himself in this match.  The worst point of the match is the arrival of Sting, who waddles down the ramp to no music, no pop or even a camera cut to his entrance.  He just rolls into the ring from the side of the shot and begins to hit aces members with bats.

Devon's tag partner is revealed to be Mike Knox, you know that guy who used to be in WWE until they dropped him.  I know he has been around longer than that, but he was only hired because of his former employer.  Basically this was another crap impact, but did a better rating this week somehow, maybe it was Hogans bitching I don't know.


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