Monday, 21 January 2013

TNA Review 20th January 2013


Firstly, yes I did not do a review of Genesis, namely because it bored me to tears and had very little of anything to write about.  If the Pay per view was to be a colour it would be the deepest dullest grey every created by Dulux it was that bland.  Matches that either had obvious finishes or wholly uninteresting stories that caring about them would have been more cumulative effort compared to that of the writers, made up the events of Genesis and when it was over I went to sleep to try and forget it ever happened.
Hardy and his manly pink hoodie

But here we are with another episode of Thursday night impact and this one is a special one.  The wedding of Brooke Hogan and Bully Ray, yeah Bully Ray is apparently bonking Brooke Hogan.  Now I have gone on the record saying that Brooke isn't really a looker, but she can do better than Bully Ray surely?  TNA advertise the marriage with this terrible composite shot of the two of them smiling and holding up their wedding rings, but why didn't they just take a picture of the two of them doing this instead of merging two separate images together?

The show starts with Bully getting ready for the big event, with Spike Dudley of all people dropping in as a groomsmen along with none other than Tommy Dreamer.  This is a little confusing since Dreamer recently worked a show for WWE and is also one of the backstage workers for WWE.  The show is peppered with these getting ready segments.  We also see Tazz drop in to get ready and Brooke also appears a few times being given a pep talk by Dixie Carter.  These segments aren't bad in any way really, they just fill time and hammer home how much of a fail this wedding will be.  It's a wrestling wedding! they always go wrong.

In the ring Jeff Hardy decides to show up and bore us by thanking his sphincters of the night for helping him win at Genesis.  Jeff has come out with a hoodie, but it's obvious he will be wrestling tonight because he has come out with his face paint on.  Sure enough Kazarian and Daniels interrupt him.  Daniels is the new #1 contender after beating Storm at Genesis and promises to take the title from Hardy.  Hardy decides he would rather fight here and now and they jump him.  James Storm makes the save here and a tag match starts instead.

Tag Team Match - James Storm & Jeff Hardy VS Kazarian & Christopher Daniels

The match is decent, but like any Jeff Hardy match the winner is obvious from the start.  Hardy wins but receives a post match letdown from Kaz and Daniels to try and build heat for feud that doesn't mean anything, because Hardy won't drop the strap to Chris Daniels.  I still don't why they keep using James Storm in matches that relate to the champion and not give him a title shot?  He is popular with the fans and is a good worker, yet TNA seem adamant on using him as a sidekick to Hardy every week.

After a segment backstage where Park gives Bully Ray Cuban cigars as a wedding gift and we see Bully at his stag do the non stop action returns to the ring.  Gut check is upon us once again and this time it features two wrestlers hoping to get a spot on the roster.  Brian Cage and Jay Bradley, who last week did a pretty good match to be honest are up for the vote, but here is where the show gets dumb.

Al Snow does his best Fonz impression
Only one of them can be given the spot which seems fine, but instead TNA have gone about this all the wrong way.  For a start Prichard eliminates one of them, in this case Brian Cage.  He doesn't get a vote or any way to "kickout" as Borash says, he is just gone.  This leaves Bradley who you would assume is the winner and new roster member, but no.  The judges then vote on whether Bradley gets a spot, so potentially neither man could join TNA.  Does this make any fucking sense to you?  If you have already made the decision to eliminate one man, then surely the remaining contestant is the winner, you don't run a tournament, decide a winner and then vote on whether or not he deserves to win do you?!  Fucking TNA are so backward ass stupid about this it makes my balls ache.

Bradley does get a spot in the end which was sure to happen anyway, otherwise this segment would be pointless, but the logic just makes zero sense here.  Also when are we going to find out why Al Snow was knocked out with drugs a few weeks back and missed his gut check for Wes Brisco?  Or has that story been dropped?

Singles Match - Christian York VS Kenny King

York wants revenge on King for what happened at Genesis.  I wouldn't recommend watching Genesis to refresh your memory, it will only cause you pain.  This had the potential of being a good match and it was instead short, tepid and slow.  York and King ruin their pacing several times and bring the match to a halt on a few occasions.  King wins after cheating and York returns to his jobber status.

"I left Ring of Honor for this?"
Backstage Bully Ray asks Sting to talk to Hogan for him about walking Brooke down the aisle.  Sting is the only man who trusts Bully apparently so he agrees to do this for him since Hogan will not listen to anyone else.

In the toilets or something similar to them, Aries and Rooo prepare for the wedding.  Aries isn't sure about wearing a shirt a tie, while Rooo mocks him for not having any style.  They argue like the cheap double act they have become before both agreeing to crash the wedding.  So Aries was getting ready for a wedding he wasn't even invited to in the first place, and at that point hadn't yet made the decision to crash the wedding anyway.  So was he going to attend it normally first and then crash it?

Sting hits the arena next in this action packed episode.  He calls out Hulk to discuss the whole wedding issue.  Hulk slowly makes his way to the ring, selling that back injury he is suffering from now that he has a $50 million dollar lawsuit to fight.  Sting wants Hogan to give an answer, while Hogan acts the asshole to everyone and talks about how the business has stabbed him in the back too many times.  Sting asks Hogan to do the right thing and Hogan shouts he always does and walks backstage.  Basically this made no difference to the story and nothing happened so well done TNA for wasting everybody's time.

The segment could have been this quick:

Sting: Hulk will walk Brooke down the aisle?
Hogan: No brotherjackdude, I don't trust Bully Ray Yappapie!
Sting: Wooo! Do the right thing man.
Hogan: OK I will *Poses*

That's all it had to be.  Instead they draw that out for 7 minutes, maybe more just to ask that simple question and give a response.

#1 Contenders Knockouts Match - Gail Kim VS Velvet Sky
Why is Velvet popular again?

Gail got a rematch after her foot was under the rope at genesis and is pissed with Taryn for not seeing it the first time.  But honestly do you expect Velvet to lose?  Any returning babyface has super powers and cannot lose a match until they have defeated a champion for their title.  The match is decent though.  Velvets new ring attire is different to say the least.  Gail almost wins but ends up arguing with the ref over a rope break and Velvet picks up the win.

The finale of the show is broken into two parts.  The first part is Aries and Rooo coming out to complain about how they haven't been given the proper respect for carrying TNA for all of 2012.  They pat each other on the back and object to the wedding.  Management must have hit the random character select button backstage because instead of an authority figure or rival of these heels coming out, we instead get Chavo and Hernandez.  I guess TNA couldn't think of anything better for them to do so they just said "go out and beat these guys up".  Chavo objects to their objections and Aries and Rooo make racist Mexican jokes about them.  Chavo and Hernandez run them off.

The second part of the finale is the wedding.  Bully arrives, then the groomsmen accompanied by a bridesmaid each.  The ring has had the ropes removed and a basic wedding arch is there now with some mics.  Brooke turns up wearing a super low cut dress that has more of her boobs hanging out than usual.  Hulk turns up wearing suit, which is really convenient isn't it.  So he turned up with a suit for the wedding anyway, which means he was always planning on giving Brooke away which then means the whole Sting segment was FUCKING POINTLESS!!!!!

The aces single out Dreamer for being a double dealing hack
The vows are read out by the fake priest and the rings given, you know all the usual stuff before Tazz steps in and takes the mic.  Tazz then reveals he is a member of the aces and eights and they attack the wedding party.  Brooke is held hostage while he tits fall out of the dress while the rest of the guys are beaten down.  Brooke is released and runs over to Hulk speaking loud enough for the cameras to hear her mention her tits are falling out.  Hogan tells her to check on Bully.  She runs past Bully and checks on Tommy Dreamer, only to rush back to Bully who was next to Hulk.  The show ends.

Really this episode was only worth it for the terrible finish.  Brooke's wardrobe malfunction was hilarious and her inability to spot her husband to be in the end was pretty funny.  Tazz as a member of the aces will make no difference to his broadcasting since he already sounds like a twat on camera and what a shock, a wedding on a professional wrestling program went awry.  Matches where few and far between and only had brief flashes of interest, the rest was standard TNA dog shit.

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