Monday, 10 December 2012

TNA Review: 9th December 2012

In the final run up to Final Resolution TNA have once again taken things into snore territory as feuds move along at the usual snail's pace and the characters still do stupid shit with no rhyme or reason for doing so.

Who did AJ accidentally fuck to get this buried by the company?
We kick off the show with the trio of Kazarian, Daniels and Rooo who run heel promo's about winning their respective matches at the pay per view.  I can only imagine how long match build ups and promo's will last when the new gaps between pay per views kick in.  Daniels decides to go one better than Kaz and Rooo by calling out his opponent.  AJ turns and the two exchange insults over who will be more embarrassed when they lose and which one is more jealous of the other.  Eventually this results in a brawl between Daniels and AJ.  AJ obviously gets his ass kicked by the heels who in turn are run off by the Charismatic enabler and James Storm.  Apparently all six of these men are involved in a tag match tonight.  At least this weeks opener wasn't a ten hour debate which TNA usually enjoy "firing up the crowd" with.

Backstage Aries does a piece to camera explaining why he exposed Brooke and Bully Ray's relationship as if we didn't already know.  Yes he did it to get back at Hulk because he thinks he was responsible for his loss of the TNA heavyweight title.  I find it funny how quickly they dropped Aries from the main plot in favour of having Hardy against Rooo once again.  Bischoff and Hogan share the McMahon philosophy of "big men sell, little men don't".  This ignorant belief that only jacked up 6 foot plus wrestlers are what people pay to see is fucking retarded.  But obviously Aries isn't a huge guy with barely any moves in repertoire like Hulk in his good ol' days so he can't be taken seriously as a champ.

Television Title Match - Samoa Joe VS Devon

Yeah this is the match that last week Devon wanted Hogan to OK, but instead Joe accepted and Hogan didn't give a rats testicle about apparently.  I can see why they had Devon demand Hogan give him the title shot since Hogan should be interested in all of the companies titles and who has them, especially if the aces and eights are involved.  But apparently Hogan couldn't care at all about who owns the TV title, leaving Joe to make the decision.
The hammer should make s squeek noise being it's fake

The match itself was OK and pretty much sets the tone for the rest of the evening being made up of OK and lacklustre matches.  Joe seemed a little off on his pacing in this match, especially apparent when he attempts an outside dive which See's him jogging more than running for his move.  In the end Hogan should have been more interested in this match as the aces use a female distraction coupled with DOC and his hammer, giving Devon the victory and the title.

Backstage we see Brooke making a call to a mystery woman before we cut to Al Snow coming back from where ever the hell he was last week.  We learn that Al had been drugged and was being questioned by police about the incident to explain why he wasn't there last week.  He thanks D'lo for stepping in last week to cover for him.  I guess this is setting up for Angle or D'lo's heel turn which will be a complete non shock for those with a brain.  For TNA fans though this will be a groundbreaking storyline due to how fucking dumb they are.

Velvet Sky returns looking more like a hooker than usual
Back ringside Mickie James comes out to thank the crowd for all the support they gave while she was away and promises to become the new knockouts champion.  Tara interrupts and runs her terribly cheesy Hollywood heel gimmick while Jessie gets a "Who are you!?" chant from the crowd, proving how poorly he has gone over with the fans.  This is all for shit as the newly contracted Velvet Sky returns and shits all over Mickie's return segment.

I don't really get why she had to come back during someone Else's return segment since all she says is the same thing as Mickie which is that she will also be the new knockouts champion come 2013 and then leaves.  Also she comes out wearing way too much makeup, even for Velvet Sky.

Tag Match - Robbie E & Robbie T VS Chavo Guerrero & Hernandez

Well I wrote match but really it's more of a squash against TNA's professional jobber team.  The two Robbies get little offence in and what they do get is limited to a few strikes before the new Mexican America rally and kick their arse's some more.  Chavo and Hernandez win and get jumped post match by Matt Morgan who knocks them both out.  I still want to know how Matt Morgan who is seething with anger and hatred toward Hulk hogan, looked at this 70's porn star lookalike and thought "yeah this could really work as a tag team".  Please post answers in the comments for this one folks.

We go to the aces clubhouse now which has been augmented with a bar apparently, and a stripper pole.  It seems the aces hired a bunch of hookers to run distractions and suck dicks for the night.  Devon is pretty pleased with his victory and assures DOC that he will cover him for his match against Angle later tonight.  We also learn from the VP that someone has paid them to do a hit tonight.  So do the aces take off the masks when they have sex with these hookers?  Or do they keep them as per club rules?

In the locker room Angle further congratulates Wes Brisco for his success in getting a TNA contract almost to the point that it looks like Kurt is going to get down and fellate Brisco.  He also gives baby Bischoff a half praise.  We then cut to a pissed off Chavo as he talks to the camera about how he they are going to kick Morgan and Ryan's ass at the pay per view, or at least that whats I think he was going to say because the production crew play Angles music over the footage and then cut him off.  They then cut to the ring and stop playing Angles music, only to restart it again.  Looks like the production chimps got bored again and started hitting random buttons.

Singles Match - Kurt Angle VS DOC

The aces are busy tonight, maybe they are the future of TNA?
This is another OK but generally short match as the aces and eights once again get involved to prevent a loss.  Angle gets a beatdown until the combined might of Brisco, Bischoff and Joe arrive to save the ageing wrestler.  Angle then challenges them to an 8 man tag match since they have nothing better to do at the pay per view.

In Hogan's office we see Hulk telling Parks on the phone to get the OK from OVW before he can come back for a match with the aces until Bully Ray barges into the office.  Ray wants a match with Aries which Hogan denies, forcing Bully to turn to more drastic measures.  Honestly I couldn't give a fuck about this story and I don't think the fans do either.

We also get another one of Hardy's monologues as he completely blanks James Storm backstage as he talks to him.  Management must have given Hardy free reign to write this shit himself because it is friggin' awful stuff.  "I don't know if Storm is an outlaw or a cowboy" What the fuck does that have to do with anything Jeff?  You Muppet.  Also why do they insist on having this as a voice over why can't he just say it?  Do the TNA camera's have Hardy thought detection systems?

#1 Contenders X-Division Match - Kidd Kash VS Zema Ion VS Kenny King

Yeah this came out of nowhere.  They don't even mention the match when the show started it just simply appears after an ad break.  Shows how much management care about the X division when the #1 contender match is just thrown together without any build.

Anyway this match is pretty spotty but at least something happens here without interference from the aces and eights.  Kenny King wins to become the new #1 contender and likely the next to lose to RVD.

I imagine this is what most creative meetings look like in TNA
Bully makes good on his threat by coming out to the ring and sitting on a chair until Hogan comes out or Aries does to accept his challenge for a match.  Aries comes out with his own chair to sit on the arena floor to stage his own sit in protest.  Riveting stuff surely this is the greatest wrestling show ever when you can see two wrestlers sitting on chairs!  Hogan eventually raises the tension even further by bitching at both of them and still denying them the match like a cunt.  Brooke then adds the final layer shit icing to this turd cake by running down the ramp with a top that barely holds her breasts in and calls Bully Ray "Mark".  This infuriates Hogan so much he then gives in and sets the match.

WHAT THE FUCK WAS THAT ALL ABOUT!?  So basically if Brooke had said Mark from the very start Hogan would have just said yes to every one of Bully's demands.  If anything the acknowledgement that Bully Ray is porking his daughter should have the opposite effect of making him fire or suspend Bully, not give him what he wants.  The writing on this show is so bad it causes cancer I am sure of it.

6 Man Tag Match - Kazarian/Christopher Daniels/Bobby Rooo VS AJ Styles/James Storm/Jeff Hardy

Daniels decided that looking like more of dickhead was the way to go tonight
And so we come to the finale of the evening (thank Primus) as the only good match of the night rolls in.  The problem is that the show has been so limp and boring I found it hard to really concentrate or care about this match.  But from what I saw it was probably the best of the night.  Hardy gets the win and then the aces beat the shit out of him, revealing that Bobby Rooo was the one who paid the aces earlier in the night.

Why would he admit to this?  Well partly because if he wanted to keep it quiet he couldn't because the Aces immediately give him the thumbs up and he is also a complete tool.  I guess you have to pay extra for the aces to not reveal their benefactor's identity. 

Anyway come back on Thursday for my review of the truly awful and tragic Final Resolution, Won't you?


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