Monday, 24 December 2012

TNA Review 23rd December 2012

Yes it's time for a festive shitmas of crappy wrestling.  Wrestling does Christmas pretty badly to be honest and I shudder to think what WWE are planning for tonight, but a three hour festive RAW will suck balls.

Anyway tonight is championship Thursday so we kick off the night with a match between Kurt Angle and Devon for the TV title.

Television Title Match - Kurt Angle VS Devon

This is how Angle leaves the building most nights
Before the match begins Angle notices that Devon is being backed by the rest of the aces and eights, so he calls out his "posse".  This posse consists of baby Bischoff, Wes Brisco and Samoa Joe.  The only real threat here is Joe since you know he can actually go over as a badass, but Bischoff and Brisco, two green wrestlers against a biker gang who outnumber them shouldn't be that much of a deterrant for the aces.  Anyway the match is flat and the real interest is in what happens outside of the ring.  The aces and Angles posse brawl and somehow the aces lose despite having a man advantage which results in the ref throwing both gangs out of the ringside area.  Eventually the aces return when Devon is about to lose and Angles posse only bother to come back to help distract the ref more which allows the aces to knockout Angle with a lead pipe.  Devon wins and the status quo is maintained.

Does TNA management actually give a shit about any of their titles outside of the heavyweight title?  The TV title is ignored more often than not, the tag team belts are worthless due to a lack of tag teams much like WWE until recently.  The knockouts title gets some attention, but since the knockouts division has been virtually empty for most of the year very little happened if anything, while the knockouts tag titles may as well be dumped because there are no female tag teams left.

I remember when wrestling shows used to be about titles where the guy who got the intercontinental belt was considered good enough to challenge for the main belt.  The tag titles meant something and those wrestlers not involved in the main title race could challenge for other belts that storylines could be built around.  Now wrestling is solely about the main belt(s) and having anything other than the world title is meaningless.  Let's face it, can you see Kofi Kingston challenging for the WWE title anytime soon?  despite being the middle card champion he isn't even considered for a run at the belt. 

Joey Ryan has yet to perform a wrestling move in his tag career
Anyway back to the show.  Since this championship Thursday we have to have the now regular Hogan elimination segment which involves 4 wrestlers giving their reasons for why they should be allowed to challenge for a title.  Now the women in question for tonights segments are Mickie James, Velvet Sky, Tessmacher and ODB.  Of course ODB and Tess are going to be eliminated because they aren't newly returned.  Velvet has already stated that 2013 is her year so this only leaves Mickie.  These segments exist only to fill the two hour time slot because they haven't got enough content normally.

After that waste of time we get hear Kenny King talk about how his heelish actions where simply done to even the score with RVD.  Now when a character talks about his cheating like it was OK, you know they are turning heel.  Apparently he is in a tag match with RVD tonight so I guess we will see more of his heel turn later.  I find it funny how quickly TNA turn new talent heel when the babyface thing doesn't instantly win fan approval, they never want to give it a proper try sometimes.

Tag Team Match - Matt Morgan & Joey Ryan VS Kenny King & RVD

This match was bland like natural yoghurt.  Joey Ryan plays the comedy relief in a match that didn't need any.  Morgan stomped around kicking ass while Kenny King abandoned RVD to let Morgan get a three count on Rob.  My biggest fear though is that we will have to see Kenny King and RVD again at some point, which is fucking awful since RVD cannot go anymore and King is wasted in a feud with a guy who can't keep his pace.

Storm loves xmas so much he kicks it in the face!
Hogan decides he wants some of the spotlight next and comes down to the ring.  He begins to ramble about 2012 being the year of Hulk Hogan in TNA, which is hard to dispute when every single storyline has involved him at one point or another.  Jesus this guy has a fucking ego the size of the building.  Fortunately we are spared his annual "TNA is the biggest pro wrestling company" speech when Devon and the aces interrupt him.  Devon makes the claim that 2012 was the year of aces and eights and promises 2013 will be even better for them.  They advance on the ancient legend before Bully Ray makes the save and runs them off.  Hogan blanks Bully though and heads to the back.

At this point I wouldn't blame Bully for turning on Hogan just because Hogan is being more a cunt than usual.

Before the show resumes we are shown one of the most untitillating knockouts music videos I have ever seen.  It's not these women are ugly or anything but whoever directed this should be fired.  Joey ryan is the most entertaining part simply because he is acting like his douchey character would.  The music is some terrible rendition of a Christmas carol put to rock guitar strings and shit singing.  Honestly it is terrible.

Backstage Jeff Hardy talks to himself in the mirror.  He ignores the camera completely during this, so I guess he has become so self absorbed now he only talks to his reflection. It wouldn't be so bad but he doesn't have anything interesting to say ever.

Taryn Terrel the most underwhelming TNA acquisition
Kazarian is the next to hit the ringside area to celebrate Christmas, this segment being the only one to acknowledge it's Christmas.  He calls out Daniels who gets a verbal blow job from Kazarian before he introduces his special guest of the evening, who is none other than Santa Claus.  Yes ladies and gentlemen they are running a Santa segment on a wrestling show.  They use this heel Santa to further shit on AJ Styles even though Daniels and Kaz shouldn't need to anymore after the whole "fight to end all fights" they had at Final Resolution.  This eventually brings out everyones favourite Shawn Michael's clone James Storm who is pissed with Santa for not bringing him presents when he was a child.  He superkicks Santa sending a clear message that if that Santa at the shopping centre or Mall doesn't give you what you want, just kick him in the face.

Backstage again, this time as Austin Aries takes the piss out of Hardy and his telepathic abilities.  This one is justified since I think everyone would like a telepath camera.  Also it's good to see someone on the show has finally decided that the Hardy inner monologue idea is fucking stupid even if it is a heel doing it.

We are also shown a video of Sting as he reveals that he is returning on the fabled 1.3.13 videos.  I guess TNA decided that since the date was so fucking obvious from the start who it was for, they would just reveal it early.  I don't know why they even bothered anyway since everyone knows Sting is coming back next year to further drag TNA down in the ratings.

Knockouts Title Match - Mickie James VS Tara

Yes surprise surprise Mickie James is picked to face Tara for the knockouts title.  The match is also shit.  Jessie constantly causes distractions, but the ref never kicks him out of the arena while Mickie and Tara wrestle a meh match.  Jessie eventually causes Mickie to lose and so the title stays with Tara until her match with Velvet Sky next year.
The camera loves you Jeff, pity the IWF doesn't

More footage of Joseph Park in OVW.  This time he freaks out when his nose is hit pretty hard causing a bleed.  He turns into Abyss and slams some jobber.  I wouldn't call these segments entertaining so much as time fillers.

TNA Heavyweight Title Match - Austin Aries VS Jeff Hardy

Part three of the tepid Hardy versus Aries feud.  I seem to remember Aries turning this match down last week on the grounds that he wanted his next match with Hardy to be on his terms.  The match is like the previous two only shorter.  Aries is set to win after a ref bump and low blow combination.  Roo then interferes hitting Aries with a spinebuster allowing Hardy to retain. 

The night ends with Hogan spotting Bully Ray and Brooke swapping spit in the parking area before angrily driving away.  Nothing says merry Christmas like that huh folks.

Yeah this show sucked and likely did another bad ratings spot this week.  2013 Will suck the same if not more.  God I hope this show is cancelled soon.


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