Monday, 5 November 2012

TNA Review 4th November 2012


Open fight night strikes once again this month as we see virtually no movement in any of the current storylines except for a "shocking" reveal of one of the Aces and eights.
Parks realises his career is over

This sucks since I have been playing WWE '13 which has plenty of attitude era content which fucking rules, then I have to watch this sub par piece monkey crap!  Damn you Dixie Carter for saving this dead dog of a wrestling company.  Well I guess the sooner I finish this weeks review the quicker I can go back to my WWE Universe gameplay which has better storylines than TNA by a factor of 10 at least, and these are pregenerated plotlines for gods sake.

So we start the nights events with Joseph Parks in the ring still acting like he doesn't know how this show works even though he has been around the camera crew for months now.  He is out there to challenge the aces and eights to a match which he has been bitching about for the last 2 weeks now.  He runs a boring ass promo about how he is a good attorney and informs us all that he has managed to get his match due to a loophole.  This loophole is apparently open fight night, since anyone can challenge anybody and they have to fight.  So basically by that logic a member of the audience could challenge a wrestler and they are bound by the sacred texts of the opens fighinius nightus. 

Of course the aces and eights come out from their special ring entrance door complete with carpeting.  Four of them surround Parks and prepare to beat the crap out of him before Angle makes the save, and by the save I mean he gets pounded for several seconds before Sting comes down with a bat to chase them off.  I like how the aces are terrified of the near 60 year old man with a baseball bat, but have no problem taking on a former Olympian.  Sting promises the aces that tonight one of them will be losing their mask like that makes any difference to the story.

Backstage Magnus is being interviewed as he makes his way to the gorilla position.  He hints that he will removing a mask of his own tonight but wants to keep it a secret *Cough*Samoa Joe*Cough*.  Seriously he thinks people will be sat around at home going "wow I wonder who he is talking about? this is awesome" honestly it's stupid.
JOE IS GONNA SQUISH YOU!

Backstage Jessie Godderz is worried about his match against ODB.  He is afraid of fighting a woman who is half his size, weight and power.  Wow this guy really is going to be the future of TNA for sure.  Tara reassures him he will win because she will be ringside during his match and then for some reason she starts to use sterilising lotion on his hands before the match.

Television Title Match - Magnus VS Samoa Joe

So obviously Magnus is out there to challenge Joe to another match, but he makes several statements about removing a mask from Joe and then never elaborates on this at all.  I have no idea what the fuck he was talking about and I am sure he had no idea either.  Magnus just piggybacked Stings mask removal promise to run his promo.  Anyway his real reason for being pissed with Joe is that he isn't good looking enough to be a champion.  Yeah he says Joe has a face for radio, that's his reason for wanting to feud with him for the belt.  So Joe comes down and runs a very 1 sided match where he kicks Magnus' ass until Magnus hits Joe with a wrench from under the ring to get DQ'd.  So that was a waste of time.

In Hogan's office Angle demands a match against Devon since he got jumped last week.  Is it me or are they purposefully dodging the obvious match of the Bully Ray and Devon?  I know they will fighting in the main event tonight, but I also know it won't happen because even the morons in creative know that match will actually draw on a pay per view.  Hogan agrees that Angle should get a shot at Devon and then immediately copies survivor series by making a team of Wes Brisco, Garret Bischoff, Kurt Angle and Sting to face the aces and eights.  Jesus Christ can they just be original for once in this company's history?

Zema is shown a clip from "one night in chyna"
We then cut to Hardy doing his makeup in the bathroom.  We then hear his internal monologue once again.  I didn't hear what he was saying because I was too busy banging my head on the table to listen, but I am sure it was fucking retarded like last week.  Why are they doing this?  Seriously why?  I don't understand why this has become a film noir style segment involving Jeff's thoughts.  He delivers lines so flat he makes the actors from Hobgoblins look like Oscar winners.  Fuck this company!

Back ringside Kaz & Daniels debut some new shit entrance music before running a promo that also describes their opponents as wearing masks.  Did they do this as a bet?  Everyone so far has made some reference to masks and removing them, why?  No fucking idea, but TNA are running with it.  Anyway these two decide to swerve the audience by challenging the Spanish announce team to a match.  Hector Guerrero looks like he is ready for a fight while his colleague Willie Urbina looks unsure.  After a commerical break the duo are in the ring to face Kaz & Daniels.  They taunt the announcers which eventually results in a beat down by Kaz & Daniels.  Chavo and Hernandez makes the save to build their feud going into Turning Point.

Gut Check Match - Christian York VS Zema Ion

This was probably the best match of the night.  Christian York was pretty good, although he looks a little old these days.  His age won't be an obstacle for TNA since they already have Sting and RVD running pay per view matches every month anyway.  Zema puts over York pretty well but once again TNA officials decide to have the gut check challenger lose.  I just don't get the logic to having hopefuls try and get a spot in a company and never win, why would you hire someone who lost?  In a kayfabe view this doesn't make sense.  It would be like UFC picking up a cage fighter who has never won a fight in his career and all losses happened in the first round. 
Jessie Godderz, the future of TNA? Nah.

Backstage the aces end up in a brawl with Stings team.  Bully ends up chasing Devon into the bowels of the impact zone while the rest of aces get hammered.  Sting lets one of them go and then once again promises to remove one of their masks tonight.  Why didn't he do it then?  They had at least 2 members of the group down to reveal their identities.  Shit makes no sense.

Singles Match - ODB VS Jessie Godderz

This match basically spends five minutes having Jessie get literally bitched slapped by ODB.  His chest is bright red and he gets spanked.  Jessie does get some moves off but spends most of the time being beaten like a red headed step child.  Despite this severe beating Tara helps Jessie win by distracting ODB so Jessie can do a roll up pin.  Really he had to win this match or look completely weak for the rest of his career, however short it will be.

Singles Match - Robbie E VS Jeff Hardy

So Jeff debuts another one of his terrible face paint designs now sporting red contact lenses.  He still paints his eyelids red even though his eyes are now red?  Anyway this match continues the sort of feud between Robbie and Jeff.  Robbie gets pwned most of the match with the only damage he gets in is when Robbie T distracts Jeff.  Jeff wins a pretty 1 sided match with the swanton. 

Post match Austin Aries comes out to taunt Hardy some more until Hardy drags a ladder out from under the ring.  Aries immediately looks afraid despite his career being built on matches like this that involved a lot of high risk moves.  He doesn't agree there and then but no doubt next week he will be agreeing to a ladder match at Turning Point.
They look like a comedy tag team here

Next we have a video segment of Hogan opening his new beach store.  I guess you buy Hogan branded surfboards and wetsuits, hell if I know.  Morgan crashes the party by threatening Hulk and stealing his robe from his Wrestlemania match against Andre the Giant.  Apparently Hogan has no security for the event so Morgan just walks away after committing theft.

Bobby Rooo comes down to the ring next to bitch some more.  I am sick of his now weekly bitching segments where he literally does nothing except for fill time for the show.  The fucker doesn't wrestle, he isn't interesting on the mic and his storyline is done, why haven't they repackaged him yet?  Even AJ is so pissed with his bitching he comes down to tell him to shut up.  AJ also makes a reference to the very similar story involving AJ Lee and Cena to that of AJ Styles and Dixie.  This is true but if we were to list all of the thing's TNA have stolen from WWE plot wise, the list would be huge.  AJ challenges Rooo to a match but he turns down the challenge only to cheap shot him.  Before a match could begin Hogan hobbles out, Well shit we don't want any wrestling on our wrestling program now do we.  He tells them that at Turning Point there will be a #1 contenders triple threat match involving, AJ, Rooo and Storm.  The winner gets the title shot, while the loser can never challenge for the world title  again until next years bound for glory.

After another break Matt Morgan and Joey Ryan hit the ring.  Morgan is wearing Hogan's robe while running a promo about being under appreciated.  It looks like he is reading from idiot cards as he does this.  He doesn't say anything different from previous weeks.  Joey Ryan calls out RVD for a match claiming that he will make the X division title a XXX title.

Singles Match - Joey Ryan VS RVD

A short match that See's RVD get kicked in the head by Morgan after Ryan evades the frog splash.  This is another quick feud build before the pay per view.

Singles Match - Bully Ray VS Devon

This match never actually starts as it breaks down into a brawl between the aces and eights and Stings lightning league.  Parks gets involved and removes a mask from the biggest aces member who turns out to be Luke Gallows of former WWE fame, playing Festus and a member of the straight edge society.  He throws Parks through a table to end the night.

Another slow burn episode of TNA where little happens of note.  Turning point will likely be another lacklustre pay per view with this kind of build.

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