Tuesday, 2 October 2012

TNA Review 30th September 2012


TNA - ruining my Sunday evenings since 2009

So this week we get the recap of a mostly shite episode, including the incredibly stupid aces and eights story development where they brained Joseph Parks with a hammer and Hogan still sticking to the agreement.

Hardy decided to go for the cactuar look this episode
Speaking of Hogan he kicks off tonight show which is all about wrestling by talking for ten minutes.  He admits that the company dropped the ball by letting Devon go and now the television title is vacant.  But rest assured we are going to see a match to crown a new champ.  He names Mr.Anderson, Magnus, Garret and Samoa Joe, then tells the audience that he will be picking two of them to fight.  Why not have all four fight in a fatal four way?  That would be more fun surely and the crowd get to see a four way match, but no Hogan thinks it better to only have two men wrestle on a show where "wrestling matters again".  I love how TNA keep trying to make veiled knocks against WWE as if that will make fans jump ship to TNA.

Hogan then drones on about the pointless Bobby Rooo/James Storm feud and how the MMA fighter King Mo will be guest enforcer for their match.  So they hired Mo in what? June?  Something like that.  He isn't on a full contract with the company because he has obligations to Bellator.  He will only be working for TNA on a limited basis and he still gets paid a decent salary for doing very little for TNA.  Yeah, TNA got screwed on that deal.  Also not to be unfair on this Mo guy, but really who gives a fuck if he is a guest enforcer anyway?  Most pro wrestling fans don't give a crap about MMA the same way MMA fans don't care about pro wrestling.  This whole Bellator/TNA relationship thing has come about because WWE and UFC have this lukewarm relationship and how Brock Lesnar is linked to both.  TNA obviously think that by bringing in some MMA fighter it will instantly sell tickets or increase buy rates, but honestly how many Bellator fans do you think will watch TNA to see him just act like a ref?  It would be like WWE lending Cena to the WBA to ref a title fight.  Hardly any Cena fans are going to pay to watch a boxing pay per view to watch Cena not be his character are they.

The final matter on Hogans agenda is the deal he made with the aces and eights the previous week.  Now any sane person would abandon the deal since the original deal involved them letting Joseph Parks go in exchange for Hogan going to their clubhouse.  Last week they instead smacked Parks on the head with a hammer and destroyed his computer which contained the evidence.  Hogan this week still intends on going to the clubhouse even after the attempted murder of Parks.  This is like a kidnapper demanding the wealthy father pay the money for the return of the child, but the kidnapper then kills the child and the father still pays anyway.  Hogan is a fucking idiot who deserves everything he gets from the aces.  But its not done there because the crow Sting arrives and also wants to join Hogan on his merry geriatric trip to the clubhouse.  Sting is also a moron.

Triple Threat Match - Kurt Angle VS Chavo Guerrero VS Christopher Daniels

The face of a man who has lost his interest
This match starts off weird because Daniels makes his entrance with the tag title belt hanging off his crotch like he has a massive gold plated belt shaped dick.  I guess he is overcompensating for something.  He thrusts his crotch at the fans and also flips them the bird, great viewing for the kids in the audience I'm sure.  AJ, Kazarian and Hernandez are in tow also, but they get thrown out quickly by the ref which almost made me question reality when a TNA ref suddenly had power in a wrestling match.  The match itself is of varying quality but its not awful, just short really.  Daniels wins after hitting a massively botched finisher and pins Chavo.  I changed my mind the match sucked.

Backstage in Hogans lair we see the four hopefuls each vying for a spot in the television title match.  They run this now regular bullshit wherein each man argues over why they deserve a shot at the title blah blah blah.  Hogan eliminates Magnus first which isn't a shock since they are building a feud between him and Joe anyway.  This bit is hilarious when we see Magnus try to leave the room but completely fails at opening a door.

Another backstage segment see's Tara talking to Brooke about her match and who she is against.  Brooke refuses to tell her and Tara keeps cutting her off anyway to answer phone calls from her new boyfriend who lives in Hollywood apparently.  Tara makes out that she is friends with George Clooney and Stacey Kiebler which is just weird to be honest.  I mean its not like we are going to see Clooney show up on impact is it, and when they do reveal her boyfriend it will just be another big dumb wrestler who as soon as he opens his mouth will show that he would never have made it in Hollywood anyway.  I know its kayfabe fuck you.

Knockouts Singles Match - Tara VS ODB

Pretty soon I will have to alter that to 'Knockout' at the rate they are losing female wrestlers.  So this match is just filler and mostly features Eric Young acting like a loon and stealing the spotlight.  Tara gets the shit kicked out of her like heels do nowadays.  Ever noticed how when she was a babyface she was confident and decent at wrestling, but the second she went heel she suddenly became crap?  The whole match pretty much see's Tara losing until she fakes a knee injury and gets ODB with a small package.  Honestly the match was pretty boring and like I said is simply filler.

Backstage again, this time featuring the major on screen presence of Bruce prichard and Al Snow.  For those not aware I was being sarcastic.  Prichard gives Al a grilling over his reaction to Joey Ryan and oddly mentions how TNA "are already in enough unwanted expensive lawsuits as it is".  Just weird he would mention the lawsuit they have with WWE.  They then talk about the gut check kid from last week, whatever his name was he was shit.

Over in the gorilla position we see Hogan making his final decision on who will fight for the television title.  Come on Hogan just make it a triple threat and give the fans something good.  He eliminates Garret which makes him pretty pissed and I expect him to join his dad's side in the aces and eights soon.  So we get a Joe Vs Anderson match, guess it could have been worse.

In the locker room Bobby Rooo tries to get Aries to hate Hardy because if Hardy wins Roo can challenge for the title again.  We also learn that Rooo will be tagging with Bully ray tonight in the main event.  What I don't get is why he even bothered to do this.  Hardy and Aries already don't get along and surely it is in Rooo's best interest to make sure Hardy wins so he can get a title shot again, but instead he wants Aries to win because Hardy was a poor champion last time.  What the fuck is Rooo aiming at here?  Does he want the belt or not?  The scheming in this show is so convoluted it makes the ending to LOST seem plausible and enjoyable to watch repeatedly.

Television Title Match - Samoa Joe VS Mr.Anderson

Hart VS Austin this is not
OK so to kick things off here Anderson says "Assholes and Gentlemen" which implies that all ladies in the audience are assholes.  Nice start there.  So the match is short and ends pretty....badly.  Remember that match between Bret Hart and Stone Cold Steve Austin?  The one where Austin refuses to tap despite the massive blood loss and being in a sharpshooter.  That match made Austin and went into wrestling history as one of the greats.  Well here they sort of tried the same thing, except the match was short, neither man got that badly beaten and Mr.Anderson passing out due to a fat guy choking him out from behind looked kinda gay.  I mean this is what I imagine most homophobes thing gay men do to straight men to rape them.  Anderson just gets choked out and even the crowd seem massively underwhelmed.  Personally I was expecting the match to be the best of the night since both men had nothing to lose in pursuit of the belt.  But it just kind of ends suddenly and in a way that makes Anderson look incredibly weak compared to Joe.  It doesn't make you think Anderson is some badass who refuses to quit, it just made him look like a pushover who passes out as soon as a choke hold is applied.  Will TNA build a story here?  unlikely since they don't really give a toss about the TV title anyway, so whoever holds it is simply being placated with a belt.

This next bit is one of the most hilarious things I have seen on TNA or any wrestling program for a long time.  And I don't mean in a good way, I mean in a "Jesus Christ this is awful" kind of way.  So picture this.  Hogan and Sting are backstage in a corridor talking about going to the aces clubhouse.  A young runner turns up and gives Hogan a document to sign, she delivers her lines in a really awkward fashion before turning her back and pulling out a pepper spray.  She gets both Hogan and Sting who then get jumped by the aces who are hiding behind a piece of material hanging down next to Hogan.  Then (and this is the best bit) they bundle the two of them into a van....that Sting was stood next to.  Seeing it is far better obviously and I urge you to go watch the episode just to see this hilarious segment.  There are so many things wrong with it:
  1. How did the aces get in when the impact zone is supposedly locked down?
  2. Why is there a van just parked indoors in the backstage area?
  3. The hiding place of aces and eights was less than a foot away from the convenient van and relied on Hogan and Sting to apparently stop there to discuss their plan.
  4. Why does Hogan turn his back to sign the document?
By the way the disappearance of the shows GM and second in command so to speak has no effect on the running on the program.  Prichard seems completely unfazed by the loss of the boss as can be seen in the gut check segment which see's Erik 18 year old get told to sling his hook.  I couldn't help but think that if the kid was ex WWE or 45 years old he would got the job.

We now go to the aces clubhouse which has some of the worst lighting in history.  Hogan and Sting are tied to chairs and forced to listen to the leader of the aces, who sits with his back to them in shadow.  It is painfully obvious that this is Eric Bischoff.  His speech pattern, line delivery and body language is exactly like that of Bischoff.  Its a pity really since I think JJ might have fit the role better and be more of a surprise leader.  Anyway Bischoff wants a match at bound for glory between his two toughest guys and TNA's two toughest.  If aces win then they get free reign of TNA like any other wrestler.  He also wheels out Parks who is being kept as a bargaining chip to make sure Hogan keeps his side of the bargain.  Of course the aces won't keep their end of the bargain because they never have so far.  Hogan agrees and the two are sent back to the impact zone.

Tag Match - Bobby Roooo & Bully Ray VS Jeff Hardy & Austin Aries

I feel sorry for the front row behind Bully Ray
This match was OK overall.  They play the mistrust card between Hardy and Aries, with Aries refusing to tag Hardy, almost costing them the match.  In the end Hardy tags himself in and wins with a swanton.  The match ends with Aries and Hardy arguing over the tag building more of the feud between the two.

The night ends with Hogan and Sting being dumped out of the van in the impact zone shouting threats at the aces.

The show was pretty crap for wrestling, but had some hilarious moments.  Watch it solely for the kidnapping scene alone.

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