Monday, 3 September 2012

TNA Review 2nd September 2012

While I finish up my reviews of Guild wars and Sleeping Dogs I still have the lumbering half human form of TNA looming in the background to review.  So here is this past thursdays (in the states) or yesterdays (UK) review of Impact wrestling.

Meet the gang - Rabies, Scabs, Syphilis, Crabs and the Claw
The night starts off with the standard issue talking segment (can we have a wrestling show that starts with wrestling one day?) this time its Austin Aries who is a little pissed about being singled out last week by the aces and eights.  They tried to break his arm but only seemed to have sprained it or something judging by the support strap on his wrist.  Anyway he reveals he is still good to fight due to the fact that he is left handed and they attacked the wrong hand.  He demands to face one of the aces and eights alone tonight to prove he can still kick ass with just one hand.  Hogan and Sting drag their tired old asses out to tell Aries that tonight if Aries gets the fight he wants, he and sting will act as support and not interfere.  Yes certainly there is honour here in the wrestling world that the aces and eights will abide by the same rules.....Hogan also claims he is back as the GM and things are going to go how he wants them to go from now on.  To cap off this thrilling segment a pre-taped segment of the aces and eights plays with them promising to show later tonight. 

What I found funny here was how Aries tried to claim that last weeks utter ass kicking that the aces and eights recieved was all a plan to single out aries.  If they wanted to single out aries why not just attack the fucker backstage like all the other times?  Why call in an extra ten or twenty guys and risk losing, which they did, to single out Aries?  The way they seem to be focusing on Aries suggests Bobby Rooo is involved.

We get a pre-taped backstage segment with ODB calling Eric Young asking where the hell he is.  He has been missing for weeks now filming his new fishing show.  She gives him an ultimatum and then several more before just asking him for more fried chicken and beer.  This story is still entertaining simply because these two seem to be genuinely enjoying themselves with the characters and the creative team seem to be pretty hands off with what they do.

Singles BFG Match - RVD VS James Storm

All RVD matches are spots now
This was a long match that looked like RVD was going to pull out a surprise win but got superkicked in mid air by Storm ending the match.  RVD was very slow throughout the match, this was pretty evident during any of the spots involving RVD quickly jumping up or doing roundkicks.  The guy is just slowing down and he is pretty banged up.  I wouldn't say the match was good, but it was bad by any standards just a bit dull and spotty with RVD involved.

Knockouts Match - Madison Rayne VS ODB

After the break we see Madison Rayne make her way to the ring.  She thanks Brooke Hogan for giving her a rematch with Tessmacher for the title and she hopes that Tiffany I mean Tarryn does her job tonight.  ODB's music hits and she tells Madison that Brooke called her and said she had a match tonight with Madison.  Seems Brooke hogan is building employee loyalty with deception.  The match doesn't last long as ODB promptly squashes Madison and celebrates. 

After that Eric Young returns now wearing a suit and carrying some beer and chicken.  ODB is unsure of what to do.  She says Eric looks weird in his suit and that it just isn't him.  He agrees and strips down to his speedo's.  ODB jumps his bones and the two of them dry hump in the ring to Eric's theme tune.

We see footage of last weeks gut check reactions where hilariously the three of them make fun of Kris Lewie's gut.  Bear in mind that Tazz is now the size of a bus, Bruce Prichard has always been a fat bastard and Al snow isn't exactly thin either.  The fact that they make fun of another guy for his weight is really hypocritical.  Aside from the ribbing they give Lewie (which i'm sure will do his indie career a world of good) they basically say he isn't ready for the big time (big time? did he try out for WWE?) and he choked in his match.  I would put some of the blame on gunner personally.  How can you work with a guy who himself is pretty mediocre as a wrestler and expect great things.  I know this is all Kayfabe or Kayfab as Sting says it, but sometimes the shit they come out with is bonkers.

Back in Hogans office, Sting and Hogan discuss how they are going to handle Kazarian and Daniels.  Hogan assures Sting he will bring the old school Hogan out for this one.  Kazarian immediately kills off Sting's intimidation attempt by calling him Heath upon entering the room, which must have been unscripted because Sting looks confused when he says it.  Daniels says he they ironclad contracts so they can't be fired but Hogan tells them they're scum and informs them both that when AJ is finished with the BFG series he is coming for them for a little revenge.  Oh goody more AJ and Daniels rivalry, how fresh and interesting for TNA.  Can they please drop this now and just let both characters do something different now, please?

Singles BFG Match - AJ Styles VS Samoa Joe

Joe is gonna kill you!
Easily the best match of the night here.  There was some tension here since AJ needed the win to stay in the bound for glory series.  Joe is already one of the finalists so this is just extra points for him.  Another unexpected end here as AJ loses and thus out of the running for the title.  From a critics viewpoint though its not surprising to see AJ once again passed over for a title shot.  Ever since Hogan and Bischoff got onboard AJ has been slowly relegated to hokey plotlines and a drought of title shots.  I guess they just want him to continue his feud with Daniels, but that plot is seriously tapped out here.

Gut check segment next.  Lewie comes out and we are shown his wife who has no eyebrows which was weird.  Tazz and Prichard says he hasn't got what it takes and he fails at securing a spot in TNA.  Frankly I am glad.  He wasn't that fun to watch and his dialogue last week about needing to eat while being a little overweight was hilarious.  After this Joey Ryan again makes his prescence felt with a megaphone.  He shouts at Al snow alot before throwing water in his face.  Snow freaks out and chases him backstage.

Back in Hogans office Joseph Park asks to be given permission to investigate the aces and eights for Hogan to find out who these guys are.  Hogan accepts and Sting says Kayfab to him for some reason.  Is it actually pronounced Kayfab even though it has an e on the end?  Or did Sting fuck it up a few weeks back and is pretending he meant to say that.

Singles BFG Match - Jeff Hardy VS Kurt Angle

The ref breaks out in dance as Hardy lands
Another match here that is like AJ's match previous a final roll of the dice for both men.  Whoever wins gets into the finals of the bound for glory series.  The match unfortunately carries little of the tension AJ's match had.  Both guys just run a generic match where they trade finishing moves and have near falls aplenty, but neither man does anything desperate to win so the end result is a lacklustre time filler.  Hardy ends up winning and Angle spends a few minutes contemplating leaving TNA because he wasn't the number one man in TNA.

The end of the show comes when Aries calls out the aces and demands they pick one of their members to fight him.  Hogan and Sting arrive with the rest of the lightning league to backup Aries in case things get hairy.  The aces arrive and pick their tallest member to face Aries.  They brawl for a few seconds before the rest of the aces decide "fuck it" and rush the ring.  Another brawl breaks out but this one sucks in comparison to last weeks.  And once again Aries is caught out and knocked out by a man with a blackjack.

The best part of this ending was Bully ray pointing out who attacked Aries and no one going after him.  He says it like five times and Hogan and Sting just look at Bully as if he has gone insane.

This episode was ok, nothing like last weeks retarded Claire Lynch story development.  It was pretty much good by TNA standards.  Not good by WWE standards though, which would be bad.  Fuck it, TNA sucks.  See you next week.


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