Monday, 17 September 2012

TNA Review 16th September 2012

TNA, it's like an old people's home full of wrestlers who still shit the bed

Yeah so remember how I said in my previous review of No surrender was the most boring and bland pay per view of the year for TNA so far?  Well the follow through episode was no better and in some respects was probably worse.

Looking like a dick there Jeff
So as usual the show starts with about twenty minutes (at least it feels that way) of talking.  Aries kicks this off talking about his feud with the aces and eights.  I find it funny how he claims to be the target of the aces, when in fact the aces targeted Hogan and his daughter before moving onto the rest of the roster.  He also does that dumb TNA/WCW thing where the belt apparently has power in the company.  At what point does the belt give you power exactly?  I have yet to see Aries make any company wide decisions based on his champion status, in fact the only thing he does is complain about the aces and eights.

Jeff Hardy gets called out for a congratulatory ass kissing from Aries.  I am sure Aries could run a better match than Hardy these days with both legs missing, but management still seem to think Jeff is as good as he was back in the late nineties.  Hardy comes out looking like a prick as usual with his "artistic" facepaint, because random colours and basic shapes is going to make Jeff a future avant garde artist for sure.  Aries does most of the talking since Hardy is terrible on the mic and its probably in Jeff's contract to not have to talk much on camera.  Hell if I had a drug conviction I wouldn't want to speak much on camera either, just in case I said something that would make me look like more of an asshole.

Bully ray then rushes out to bitch about Jeff winning at No surrender.  The ending to their match was so stupid, the idea that Jeff was so badly injured and took a massive beating but still won is exactly like watching Cena.  Bully should have won their match to keep with TNA's idea of a more realistic wrestling program.  Instead they do this superman bullshit with Jeff because they want Hardy in the main event.  Bully taunts Jeff to try and get him to put his #1 spot on the line tonight, but Aries interrupts and we don't get an answer from Jeff.

Singles Match - Zema Ion VS Sonjay Dutt

Wait this match seems familiar, where did I see this before?  I know it was recent, but when?  Ah fuck it i'm sure it will come back to me.  In case you haven't guessed then yes this is a rematch of a match we saw at No surrender.  Now I know WWE do this after their own pay per views, but the difference is that usually they don't run the same match before the pay per view.  Dutt and Ion wrestled a week prior to No surrender so this is the third time we have seen them compete in the space of a month of Impact tapings.  And even though this match was a non title rematch Dutt still loses.  What was the point?  Dutt could have won the rematch and given the small number of fans a babyface win, but no apparently Dutt is so crap compared to Ion we will never see him win apparently.  I do have to say that Dutt did some excellent moves, especially his moonsault footstomp which looks impossible to do safely, but he does somehow.
How does that tape help his shoulder?

Back in Hogans office, Kazarian and Daniels await the hulkster for some meeting he has setup (we aren't told they are there for a meeting by the way, we get told at the end of the segment) to discuss their next opponents for the tag titles.  Hogan informs them they will in singles matches tonight against different tag teams.  Kazarian will face AJ styles, while Daniels will face Chavo.  If they lose their matches then the winners teams get a shot at the titles.  Not a bad idea for once, at least we will see some good singles matches.

Bobby Rooo makes his in ring return running his totally forgettable promo shit.  This time he is bitching about James Storm and how he did everything for him and his family, calling him a redneck all the usual stuff.  I would have called Storm a shawn michaels rip-off personally.  Obviously all of this bitching is like a bat-signal to Storm who rushes out beats the crap out of Rooo for a minute or so before they brawl backstage.  Sadly we don't get to see the "chaos" of the backstage brawl, instead we just get told it happened and it was awesome and chaotic.  Thanks TNA.  This is another feud I fear TNA will never put to bed.  These two have been feuding for a better part of a year now, maybe more and nothing has been resolved.  How fucking long can two wrestlers beat each other up before it gets old?  Well realistically a month or two at best but in TNA terms its apparently years.

Singles Match - Kazarian VS AJ Styles

Ok so this match good, but thats not surprising when you have two of your best guys running a singles match.  My only complaint was that it was a little short and for some reason they edited out a couple of botches.  Since I don't see the show live they can send the edited version to overseas broadcasters.  AJ wins the match and thus sets the stage for a tag title rematch, probably at OFN later this week.

Back in Hogans office we see the hulkster trying to get Brooke to skip town for a while to avoid any danger from the aces and eights.  She refuses so Hogan decides to try and get some bodyguards for her.  At this point Joseph Park arrives.  Is Park or Abyss injured or something?  We haven't seen one of TNA's biggest draws for a long time now and this lawyer thing has run its course.  Anyway he tells Hogan he has some really really important piece of evidence regarding the week.  Yeah he came into the room to tell Hogan and us the viewing audience that next week he will tell us something.  Why the fuck even bother then?  Hogan then decides that now is the time to make his announcement regarding security and leaves Park as a bodyguard for Brooke.  Couldn't he have just hired some outside muscle or put Angle and AJ on guard duty or something?  Really the fucking lawyer is the best idea he had?

In the locker room Bully ray continues to taunt Jeff about this #1 spot match he wants.  Hardy tries to act all cool by keeping his eyes closed showing the childlike eyes he has painted on his eyelids.  He really does like a mental when he does that, I mean properly fucking unhinged.  Eventually he agree's like we all knew he would anyway and the main event is set, which is lucky because if he hadn't then I guess the show would have been one main event down this week.

Hogan makes his way to the ring and begins his inane rambling by talking about how great the bound for glory series has been this year.  He claims its taken TNA to new heights and put them into a new gear, the usual Hogan attempts to make TNA look better than it actually is.  He then announces that the building will be locked down from now on to prevent the aces from either getting in or getting out.  Regardless it means security will apparently be better in some way.  The aces appear on screen and applaud Hogan for his decision.  They then tell Hogan that basically anyone in the building could be a member of the group and he should keep his head on a swivel because now he going to be under threat every single day.  Hogan of course immediately buys this shit and leaves to discuss this development with his super friends....the road agents.

Singles Match - Christopher Daniels VS Chavo Guerrero

This was another decent match that featured two good wrestlers.  I still find it odd that after hiring such a talented wrestler like Chavo they don't use him in any plot lines at all.  Chavo wins his match and now I guess we will a triple threat tag match for the titles at open fight night.

Backstage James storm tells the camera that next week he is going to call out Bobby rooooo for a match at open fight night.  Of course Rooo will likely not be in the building or find some other way out of the match to try and build some heat for another match between the two.

Heel turn in 5...4....3....2...1....
In probably one of the most telegraphed betrayals of all time Tara calls out Tessmacher to "properly" congratulate her on her win at No surrender.  Tessmacher comes out, gets hugged, has the belt put around her waist, shows off her tits then Tara clobbers her.  Seriously this couldn't have been more telegraphed if she had been wearing a shirt that said "i will attack tess now".  Its not surprising to see Tara make a heel turn.  With so many knockouts leaving the company recently they are a bit strapped for heels at the moment.  The other problem is how little they use the current roster.  Where is mickie james?  Why hasn't Madison rayne been on tv for weeks now?  Will new knockouts be joining soon?  It all looks a little bleak for the knockouts division overall really.

In Hogans office again for the final time I promise.  This time the collected gang of Hogan, Brooke, D-lo Brown, Al snow, Bruce prichard and Dixie carter discuss the aces and eights claim that anyone could be a member of the gang.  They all buy into this claim despite there being no evidence of this.  Dixie wants personal protection and basically says everyone else can fend for themselves, while Prichard wants to know if anyone in the room is a member of the group.  Honestly try and find footage of this segment it is hilariously shot, with these weird sound effects and close ups.

#1 Contenders Singles Match - Bully Ray VS Jeff Hardy

Jeff enjoys radical genital reassingment techniques shown here
Same result as No surrender, Hardy wins.  Overall shit and predictable match.  Seriously how many repeat matches are we going to see in such a short space of time?

Yeah so apart from Tara turning her back on Tessmacher this show advanced nothing.  The aces claiming to have members inside the building is nothing new.  Storm and Rooo again went nowhere, while the AJ vs Daniels feud continues like a zombie searching for its next meal.  Nothing happened and next on open fight night we will likely see nothing happen again.  My only prediction for next week is that Kaz and Daniels will retain the titles again.


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