Tuesday, 3 April 2012

TNA Review: 1st April

So despite having a good time at the convention I was at on sunday, I still had to suffer Impact this week, and trust me it was no better than usual.  We get the previous weeks recap of events and are shown now for the fourth time, the ending to Victory Road.  How many times are they going to show us Sting twatting his head on a chair and making himself look like a fucking noob?
Get used to seeing this matchup for the next 6 months

Since this wouldn't be an episode of impact without the customary ten minute rambling session from some aggrieved character we kick off with Bobby Rooo and a small entourage of "police officers".  He addresses the so-called response from fans demanding his firing from TNA, telling them to kiss his world championship ass.  He highlights his lawyer being attacked by Storm last week and threatens Dixie some more, before James Storm comes out.  Storm wants to kick Roo's ass but is held back by the "cops".  Bully ray tries to attack Storm from behind, but since his fucking chains rattle so much, you can hear the lumbering git from a mile off before he ever got a chance to ambush someone.  Storm quickly gets the upper hand and chases off Roo, challenging them to a handicap match tonight.  They accept even though they both do not see eye to eye and our main event is set.

Backstage Gail makes her apologies to Madison for beating her at Victory road and gives her a new crown as means of an apology.  Madison immeditately accepts and they are best friends again.  Why bother having them feud then?  Madison will be facing Velvet Sky next so she has the chance to show off her new crown to the tens of fans who accidently wandered in thinking it was the line for the king kong ride.  This story with Madison and Gail hasn't gone anywhere now in weeks, I mean are they supposed to be in control of the knockouts division or something?  Madison was trying to be in charge weeks ago when Sting was first in charge, and Velvet wanted the job to as I remember.  Guess like so many other stories in TNA it just got dropped for something else the following week.
I don't see why they hire her personally......

Knockout's Singles match - Madison Rayne VS Velvet Sky

This match was decent for the knockouts, compared to the WWE diva's they at least get a full match even if its botched all the way.  There isn't much to discuss with this match, well nothing out of the ordinary for the knockouts, just full of weak looking moves and awkward moments with both competitors waiting for moves etc.  Velvet wins with some sort of X-factor move, and then afterwards she demands her rematch with Gail.

Backstage Bully and Rooo discuss their match with James Storm, agreeing to put their differences aside to deal with a mutual foe.

In a park somewhere in the theme park, Hulk and Dixie discuss the past situation between them (alot of talking here, what a surprise) with Hulk being unsure if he can take the job again after last time.  He basically kisses her ass promising to give her an answer later tonight.

Backstage AGAIN! Angle is ranting about how he will only give Hardy his rematch at Lockdown if he can beat Mr.Anderson tonight.  Why Angle hates Hardy is still a mystery to me, since his only gripe is with his son liking Jeff.  I get the feeling that creative wanted something for both guys to do, and just said "do your own thing" and left them to it.
If he gets any older he may roll around to being a baby again

Before our next match (yes the second of the night, now being an hour into the show by the way) Austin aries hits the ring to call out Bully Ray for kicking him in the face last week.  He invites himself into the main event to tag with Jame's Storm so he can get a shot at Bully.  I guess Aries could make a match between him and Bully Ray look good, but right now I just want to see a fucking wrestling match, it has been too long and the talking is none stop so far.

Single's Grudge Match - Matt Morgan VS Crimson

Yes the former team of Charismson vacuum are now fighting each other after last week's bizarre backstage scuffle.  This match though is your typical big man fight, slow, tedious, by the numbers and forgettable.  It's not terrible, but nothing especially great and the match ends in a double disqualification so Crimson can keep his undefeated streak.  Although how he can still have a streak when he lost several tag matches in a row is beyond me, but TNA seem to be unaware of this fact.

Single's Match - Mr.Anderson VS Jeff Hardy

Another ok match I suppose, at least these two know how to work a match.  Anderson is still a little rusty looking completely gassed about halfway through while Hardy just looks like he is phoning it in the entire time.  Anderson wins after Angle low blows Hardy when the ref isn't looking allowing Anderson to hit the Mic Check.  Anderson doesn't notice either since Angle hit Hardy when he was outside the ring.
Would Hardy do it for a Hardy snack?

Since we have now had a whole two matches in a row and surely cannot handle anymore wrestling, TNA decide to expose us to Jame's Storm's new shit single, I mean hit single.  Longnecks and Rednecks, not only a terrible name for a song, but also an immediate warning that the song is going to sound shit.  The music video is lame and just features Storm and his "buddies" getting a drink at a bar where the only TV entertainment is old matches of TNA.  Frankly this seems like the worst bar in the world if the only thing to watch is fucking TNA.  Storm then helps some barmaid from a drunk guy and then drinks him under the table.  I am not sure why its even Storm's music video since he never sings during the entire song.  He just drinks heavily and beats his wife (off screen I assume)

After that horror we are again "treated" to a behind the scenes video of how they made this music video in under an hour at some roadside bar in hicksville, backend of nowhere state.  It's just pointless, why show us this on a wrestling show?  Surely this kind of thing should be on the website to get some traffic from the losers who actually enjoyed this shit song, not right after the video was played.  Plus the whole thing looked like a big advert for some retard country and western label anyway, who are apparently going to show up next week at the impact zone.  So we have to listen to the same track three times in two weeks?  On top every time Storm comes out to wrestle or talk to us incessantly about how great rednecks are?  Fuck this company!
What do you think your chances of musical success are James?

A slightly amusing segment showing us Eric Young and ODB meeting a wedding planner is shown after this.  It's still more entertaining than Jame's Storm's music video, but I don't feel like watching it, I just want to see you know WRESTLING on a WRESTLING program.  What the fuck TNA, no wonder your circling the drain when you spend more time trying to copy WWE, who can shoulder the cost, and less time actually being different from them.  I guess thats why they call TNA the number 2 wrestling company in American since it literally resembles a turd every week.

Eric Bischoff enters the impact zone now to remind us what the face of TNA's demise looks like so he can 1.) claim responsibilty for getting Sting to quit as GM (How?) 2.) Claim he got Hulk the offer to become GM once again (Again how?).  He also takes this moment to offer his Garrett a chance to walk away from wrestling and live a cushy life or keep wrestling and meet the "terrifying" Gunner in a cage at Lockdown.  Of course TNA's number 1 example of company nepotism answers, by accepting the challenge and leaving promptly.  So what Eric forgot to have Gunner ready to kick his ass when he entered the ring?  That would have been the perfect time to highlight and Backup Eric's threat, instead he just lets Garrett walk off with the confidence boost of calling his dad an old man.  How fucking dumb is Eric to not have a good old fashioned heel beatdown ready.

Tag Match - Bully Ray & Bobby Roooooooo VS Austin Aries & Jame's Storm

So tonight marks the third time in a night we have to listen to Storm's music, great....Most of the match is Aries playing the babyface in distress as he gets pounded in the corner repeatedly.  He has the odd moment to shine during the match, but he was there simply to allow the heel's to stomp someone for the set time limit, before Storm got in the ring.  As soon as Aries tags the match ends quickly as Roo pushes Bully Ray into a superkick and gets pinned, thus ending their current alliance.  The match was passable, but again it's not something I would recommend watching.
Time to play - Guess that expression! with dixie carter

The finale of the night is Dixie Carter calling out the Hulkster to get an answer from him over this GM job he has been offered.  Of course there is literally no tension since we know Hogan will sign the contract for more tv appearances.  Hulk again reiterates his earlier statement that he is done with wrestling, which makes me laugh, but then Sting and a selection of faeces faces come down to support Hogan for the new job.  Hulk looks at them, looks at the crowd, looks at his latest porno, looks at Sting, looks at Dixie and then agree's the end.

Another impact down, another week I can rest.  Although the wrestling was passable, too much emphasis on Storms fucking music video and again the endless droning of voices ruined the show, as usual.


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